Verfügbare Informationen zu "::JUST 4 FUN::"
Qualität des Beitrags: Beteiligte Poster: simplymichi - sloopy1975 - sasred - linmark - Dubwise - Snoger - night nurse - isabelg - yolanda - su - Nefertari - DIANAD1 - Masha - Gina From Da Block Forum: Unofficial Simply Red Forum Forenbeschreibung: oPen uP tHe rEd bOx http://redbox.iphpbb.com aus dem Unterforum: More Antworten: 591 Forum gestartet am: Montag 19.12.2005 Sprache: englisch Link zum Originaltopic: ::JUST 4 FUN:: Letzte Antwort: vor 16 Jahren, 7 Monaten, 17 Tagen, 23 Stunden, 58 Minuten
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Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 15.01.2006, 18:40::JUST 4 FUN::
OK... take away the winter blues and tell us some jokes :D I'll begin with a few silly instrument jokes :devil
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
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Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 15.01.2006, 18:45
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Ian Kirkham would have done it.
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
The grip.
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What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
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Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 15.01.2006, 18:51
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
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How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
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How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
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Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
sloopy1975 - 15.01.2006, 19:06The 2005 Darwin Awards ;)
The 2005 Darwin Awards :D
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. These awards are given annually to the remains, or estate of that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Angelo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect
skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently
being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an over-hanging rock and was
killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year... remember him? a man in Arkansas who used a 22 cal. bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap
into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, ofKincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said "I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eyelast weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous)in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon (geez--you think!!). Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
***drum roll***
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them,) they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was
for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-footdrop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree
with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the
pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a
tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen. You win.
And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool!
:clown :whistle :doh
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
sasred - 16.01.2006, 03:03
More musician jokes--follow this link!
http://www.mikelull.com/jokes.htm
Stolen from my buddies at TalkBass. An awful lot bagging on drummers though... :oops: You think it might be revenge??? :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 16.01.2006, 07:08
SAX
I just noticed that the advertisements at the top of each page are tailored for the topic being discussed and I thought that was hilarious....
Just look....this one is for Musical Instruments !!!
Love,
Lin xx
:twisted:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Dubwise - 16.01.2006, 12:05
Elton John has filed for divorce already!
He caught his husband having sex behind his back! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Snoger - 16.01.2006, 13:09
:shock:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 16.01.2006, 17:49
linmark wrote: SAX
I just noticed that the advertisements at the top of each page are tailored for the topic being discussed and I thought that was hilarious....
Just look....this one is for Musical Instruments !!!
Love,
Lin xx
:twisted:
Yes, I noticed that too! And I think I can explain it. These ads are by google. So whenever a guest is online it could be that it is not a fan but a google search robot. It searches for keywords on this site and the ads get adapted to these keywords.
Oh, but that's not a joke... sorry for being off topic :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 16.01.2006, 22:18
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 16.01.2006, 22:20
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
night nurse - 16.01.2006, 23:58
Michi, I love those!!!!
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 17.01.2006, 04:35
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
gosh, wish I knew some clean ones to post !!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
isabelg - 17.01.2006, 05:22Really good!
Dubwise wrote: Elton John has filed for divorce already!
He caught his husband having sex behind his back! :D
Haha!!! LMAO... I still can't stop laughing...
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 17.01.2006, 08:02
Haha Michi they are really great, thanks!
:D Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 23.01.2006, 15:30
Funny...
I think, I know who's responsible for this :wink: :devil
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
sasred - 23.01.2006, 15:37
*on floor, DYING of laughter* :lol: :lol: :lol:
Oops. :devil
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 23.01.2006, 15:44
Sherlock Sas or Shannon Holmes?? :D :P
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
sasred - 23.01.2006, 15:53
simplymichi wrote: Sherlock Sas or Shannon Holmes?? :D :P
*shrug* I dunno...maybe do a poll??? :lol:
I am contemplating wearing a deerstalker to my next SR gig as a laugh...though I don't know how Tijn would feel about that...*laughs* :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.01.2006, 17:03
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors.
After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached."
The woman doctor agrees to it.
They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says.
"That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man.
The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.01.2006, 17:08
What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 27.01.2006, 19:12
:D :lol: Su, I really missed your jokes!
Good to see you here!
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 28.01.2006, 12:40
Thanks Yolanda :wink:
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 28.01.2006, 12:42
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.
As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
"I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.01.2006, 13:41
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, give me the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says.
'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.
He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.01.2006, 13:56
Q. Why are the Virgin Islands still Virgin?
A. Because they are 10,000 miles away from the Isle of Man
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.01.2006, 14:04
25 useless things on a man :-
20 Nails you cannot hammer
02 Tits you cannot milk
02 Balls you cannot throw
01 Cock that cannot crow
but don't laugh yet, for women have a p*ssy that cannot catch mice!
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 29.01.2006, 15:47
Yay Sue !!
Missed you and your fantastic pocketful of jokes !
Welcome back to the SR family !!
Lots of love and laughs....
Lin+Mark xxx
:oops: :)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 29.01.2006, 17:14
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However , be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 29.01.2006, 17:41
su wrote: Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, give me the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says.
'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.
He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'
:D :wink:
Oh my this is a funny one!! :lol: :D 8)
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.01.2006, 18:40
Awww thanks Lin :wink: ....It's great to be back :-D
AN ENGLISH/CHINESE INTERPRETOR
• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?
• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching
• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.01.2006, 18:49
Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin' to me.
Doc: Don't be ridiculous!
Leg: Lend us a fiver!
Man: Told ya.
Leg: Giz a tenner!
Doc: My God!
Leg: Eh
Doc, can you spare 20 quid?
Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!
:boo :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 30.01.2006, 13:24
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.
When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 30.01.2006, 13:32
Two old men are sitting outside the town hall, where a flower show is in progress.
One complains, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun! For $5, I'll streak naked through the flower show!"
"You're on!" the other geriatric says.
The first old man fumbles out of his clothes and streaks through the hall.
Waiting outside, his friend hears a commotion inside, followed by applause.
Then the naked old man bursts through the door, surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did it go?" asks the friend.
"Great!" says the wrinkled streaker. "I won first prize for dried arrangement!"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 31.01.2006, 01:50
hehehehehehe @ Su !!!!!
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
"Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station..
Bell1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied,
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 31.01.2006, 01:56
simplymichi wrote: Funny...
actually, the more I look at this photo it looks like the pope blessing the crowd...and 2 angels on either side looking up at the heavens.....
and the bright light in the sky...could it be.....of course it could...!!
:-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 31.01.2006, 08:20
linmark wrote: simplymichi wrote: Funny...
actually, the more I look at this photo it looks like the pope blessing the crowd...and 2 angels on either side looking up at the heavens.....
and the bright light in the sky...could it be.....of course it could...!!
:-D
Haha Lin that's a nice comparison! :lol:
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 31.01.2006, 08:21
Haha Su, I said it before but I'm glad that you're back, the jokes are
super!!
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 31.01.2006, 11:13
Thanks Yolanda :wink:
Great joke! Lin :D LOL
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 31.01.2006, 11:26
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 31.01.2006, 11:33
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.02.2006, 15:58
Paddy and Mike had just arrived in New York from Dublin and were walking around the city. Since they didn't know about traffic signals they crossed the street at will and were almost hit several times. Finally, Officer Flaherty spots them and comes running up, yelling, "Are ye daft, crossin' on the red?" "Pardon us, constable," Paddy says, "but we've just come from the Old Country." "Ah, well," the cop says, "that explains it. Listen, you only cross when the light is green. Ya got that?...only on the green!" So Paddy and Mike continue their walk, and they wait on the orange and red and only cross on the green. After they wait through a few orange and red lights, Paddy turns to Mike and says, "They don't give the Protestants much time to get across, do they?"
:wink: :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.02.2006, 16:02
What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.02.2006, 16:05
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if I pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.02.2006, 18:16
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS" replies the nurse!!
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.02.2006, 18:21
Su, have you put a lot of jokes in stock since the SR website is out ?? :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.02.2006, 18:22
:D LOL Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.02.2006, 18:24
Nefertari wrote: Su, have you put a lot of jokes in stock since the SR website is out ?? :D :D
No ...but I hope you have :P
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.02.2006, 18:36
Valentines, Redneck Style
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.02.2006, 18:51
:D Su
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the
driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a SCARF!"
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 02.02.2006, 19:47
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.02.2006, 12:13
Nefertari wrote: :D Su
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the
driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a SCARF!"
:lol:
Hehehe Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.02.2006, 12:15
simplymichi wrote:
Great pic, Michi :D LOL
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.02.2006, 12:35
There was a old man from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
great tuffs of grass
shot out of his arse
and his cock was covered in weeds.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.02.2006, 12:38
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of her head?
All you can eat, under a buck.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.02.2006, 11:08
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the
bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, 'You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!'
The scientist replied calmly, 'In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long.'
:P :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.02.2006, 11:17
And then there was the old gentleman who had a massive stroke.
It made him quite popular with the women at the Sun City orgies.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.02.2006, 11:23
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, 'Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious.'
'No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post,' she assured him. 'Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing.'
'True,' agreed the dentist, 'but you're down to one tooth!'
:clown :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.02.2006, 17:30
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.02.2006, 17:31
su wrote: Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, 'Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious.'
'No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post,' she assured him. 'Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing.'
'True,' agreed the dentist, 'but you're down to one tooth!'
:clown :lol:
OUCH!!! :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.02.2006, 17:35
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.02.2006, 17:45
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.02.2006, 18:05
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.02.2006, 18:08
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 05.02.2006, 02:31
Voooolaaaaare
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.02.2006, 13:18
:D LOL Michi, love the funny pics :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.02.2006, 13:23
What’s grey and comes in quarts? An elephant :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.02.2006, 13:37
Did you hear about the pretty young woman in San Francisco who was attacked by three men?
Two held her down while one did her hair.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.02.2006, 18:43
I'm sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore".
Then finally contended
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in".
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I am having this".
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while".
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!
:-D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.02.2006, 15:43
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around, does he become disoriented?
:clown :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.02.2006, 15:49
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.
The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The Scot gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 06.02.2006, 19:52
Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
SMILES :-D
DIANAD---Lady Di is Back!!! :flower
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
night nurse - 07.02.2006, 04:10
Su you are cracking me up with the "dentist" poem :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 07.02.2006, 07:42
su wrote: :D LOL Michi, love the funny pics :D
:lol: me too very funny Michi!
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 07.02.2006, 07:45
night nurse wrote: Su you are cracking me up with the "dentist" poem :D
:D very funny indeed.
I am sorry girls but I am very bad in jokes!
But I sure enjoy yours!
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 11:11
DIANAD1 wrote: Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
SMILES :-D
DIANAD---Lady Di is Back!!! :flower
LOL :D
Hey what took you so long :wink: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 11:14
Glad you liked the jokes, girls... :-D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
night nurse - 07.02.2006, 12:55
Yolanda I am very bad at them too~ alwyas get the last line wrong and that ruins them :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 13:05
Did you hear about the man who couldn't spell?
- He paid $100 and spent the night in a warehouse.
:P :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 13:08
The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.
Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death.
An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....
:P :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 13:13
What do you see when the Pilsbury doughboy bends over?
Doughnuts.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 13:19
Two ovaries were talking:
"Did you get new furniture?"
"No, why do you ask? "
"Well, I saw two nuts trying to push an organ in the front door!"
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 18:23
The way to a man's heart is through his feet
(but you need a long knife).
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.02.2006, 18:25
Loren Bobbit is writing a biographical book, its title is:
Six Inches From Prison
...she also loves reading, her favourite novel is Moby Dick
...and next week she starts a new job as a sales representative for ....
SNAP ON TOOLS!
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.02.2006, 11:17
Mobile phones are the only subject on which
men boast about who's got the smallest.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.02.2006, 11:26
A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.02.2006, 11:30
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. F*cks Funny!
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.02.2006, 14:00
Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreo's."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
:devil :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.02.2006, 14:03
Female Stages Of Life
AGE DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man
HOUSE PET
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66
IDEAL DATE
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast
:clown :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 10.02.2006, 11:44
:D :D Su
A man went into a pet shop looking to buy a Parrot for his wife. He saw a parrot on the window of this pet store so he went in and asked the Clerk if the parrot talked and he said yes and he sings Christmas Carols too, if I hold a lighter to his left leg he sings jingle bells and if I put the lighter to his right leg he sings silent night.
The man interested in the parrot said I have got to see that. So the clerk proceeded to show him and when the clerk held the lighter to the left leg the parrot started to sing jingle bells and then he moved the lighter to the right leg and the parrot begins to sing silent night.
So the man thought it was cute and decided to take it home to his wife. He got it home and showed her how it sang the christmas carols by holding the lighter to each leg, and the wife asked her husband what would happen if we put the lighter between the parrots legs. So out of curiousity they tried it and the parrot started to sing Chets nuts roasting on an open fire.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 10.02.2006, 11:45
Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her
husband heads outside.
Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"
"Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the
neighbors know I'm not beating you."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 10.02.2006, 11:50
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 10.02.2006, 12:12
TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 10.02.2006, 12:39
LOL Nef :D :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 10.02.2006, 12:43
night nurse wrote: Yolanda I am very bad at them too~ alwyas get the last line wrong and that ruins them :wink:
Same with me Angie, I think the girls do much better jokes than me! :wink: :D
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
yolanda - 10.02.2006, 12:48
Nefertari wrote: TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
:wink:
:D :D :wink: Carine!
:hug Yolanda
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 10.02.2006, 12:51
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 10.02.2006, 12:54
"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 10.02.2006, 13:58
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!"
:shock:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 10.02.2006, 14:04
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 10.02.2006, 16:11
:D :D Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 10.02.2006, 17:47
A young man eagerly purchased a book entitled "How to Hump." How disappointed he was to find it was merely Volume 8 of the Universal Encyclopedia.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 10.02.2006, 18:15
Do you know why Bach had so many children?
-Because his organ had no stops.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.02.2006, 12:35
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.
When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.
He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
sasred - 12.02.2006, 13:34
Proof of my geekitude that I found this, but a fine example of government stupidity:
http://www.talkbass.com/forum/showthread.php?t=229336
Even those of you who don't play might find it funny, I think... :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
sasred - 13.02.2006, 01:23
By the way, the jokes everyone's been posting have been hilarious... :D Glad this topic got opened up again!! :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.02.2006, 10:56
The Most Venomous Snake In The World.
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.02.2006, 16:32
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.02.2006, 18:26
FIVE KINDS OF SEX
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until
you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere,
anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in
the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*ck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife f*cks you in front of
everyone in court.
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 13.02.2006, 19:00
:D :D Sue and Sas
"Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!"
{A}........Almost Boobs...
{B}........Barely there.
{C}........Can't Complain!
{D}........Dang!
{DD}.......Double Dang!
{E}........Enormous!
{F}........Fake.
{G}........Get a Reduction.
{H}........Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 13.02.2006, 19:22
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.02.2006, 11:07
LOL :D :D Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.02.2006, 11:27
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.02.2006, 11:30
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 14.02.2006, 14:26
:D Su good jokes
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.02.2006, 14:31
Hehehe :D Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.02.2006, 14:33
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 15.02.2006, 08:20
Not really a "Joke" but one of the Olympic contestants
is really named.....
HO SUK
imagine the giggles in the statium this week....
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.02.2006, 10:52
linmark wrote: Not really a "Joke" but one of the Olympic contestants
is really named.....
HO SUK
imagine the giggles in the statium this week....
LOL :D Yes I can :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.02.2006, 11:25
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.02.2006, 11:31
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."
He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."
Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!" "
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.02.2006, 13:45
linmark wrote: Not really a "Joke" but one of the Olympic contestants
is really named.....
HO SUK
imagine the giggles in the statium this week....
I've found some more real names too, what do you think of these :D
:
Yolanda Squatpump ~ makeup artist, The Usual Suspects.
:
Randy Bumgardner ~ Software developer.
:
Welcome Bender ~ from Dep of Biological Chemistry, Havard.
:
Dong Suk Yuk ~ from Dep of Computer Science, Korea University.
:lol: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.02.2006, 15:54
What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife.
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.02.2006, 15:58
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. 15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?" "Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!!!"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.02.2006, 18:35
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 21.02.2006, 12:45
:D Su love the jokes!
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend, "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
:shock: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 21.02.2006, 12:53
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, 'I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.'
The second guy says, 'I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.'
The last guy replies, 'I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 21.02.2006, 12:57
They were discussing the details with their friends. Betty wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Betty replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband to be chimed in, "Yep silver... to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at Barney, Betty's friend said, "So Barney, I guess you are going barefoot."
:devil
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 21.02.2006, 16:48
HeheheLOL Nef, loved the jokes too :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 21.02.2006, 17:23
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.02.2006, 10:46
Did you hear about the gay fellow who put a nicotine patch on his pecker?
Well he is down to two butts a day.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 22.02.2006, 19:05
:D nice jokes :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 23.02.2006, 11:19
The following signs have been found in various locations, using the English language somewhat creatively...
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER 01:: FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLE YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
In Gas Station in Morocco:
EAT HERE AND GET GAS
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTIiIES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Masha - 23.02.2006, 16:03
su wrote: The following signs have been found in various locations, using the English language somewhat creatively...
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER 01:: FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLE YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
In Gas Station in Morocco:
EAT HERE AND GET GAS
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTIiIES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
DEAR SU.... :balloon i have scattered so much laughter across the room that it seems the latter`s walls resound with it THANK YOU :flower i love practically every anecdote everyone of you gels post here but this time it was just so wicked near non-stop fun ... :top :flower :flower :flower :-}
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 23.02.2006, 16:34
Thankyou Masha, I'm so pleased you enjoy the humour :clown :D :clown :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 23.02.2006, 16:54
You have just received the Amish virus. As the Amish don't have any technology or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 24.02.2006, 20:49
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she
decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr.Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As
she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass".
:D :D :D :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 25.02.2006, 12:17
Gina From Da Block wrote: A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she
decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr.Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As
she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass".
:D :D :D :D :D
LOL :D :angel :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 25.02.2006, 12:38
LEARNING CHINESE..
:
English phrase Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. Yu So Dum
I got this for free. Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. u stin ki pu
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 25.02.2006, 12:48
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a smallwooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem. That happens from time to time." says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 26.02.2006, 01:52
Oh, SU, I love that Learning Chinese one!! I actually have that saved in my joke file :D :D :clown :clown
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 26.02.2006, 15:58
Hi-Tech Terminology for Redneck Computer Operators
;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- It's delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 26.02.2006, 16:19
Haha girls !very funny jokes :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 26.02.2006, 16:25
A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.00.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 26.02.2006, 16:35
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen an Armani suit before...
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife...
GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader!
BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash.
WORSE: It's jock itch...
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage...
GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999...
WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - kiddiesleaze.com.
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school...
BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son & daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid...
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan...
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute...
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 26.02.2006, 19:42
Love your jokes, Nef & Su!! :D 8)
Life is all about ASS:
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Behaving like one,
Or you live with one!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.02.2006, 10:57
Hehehe LOL Gina and Nef :D :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.02.2006, 11:27
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee" replied another.
"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore." said one in the loudest voice of the group.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.
"I can't even remember what I'm doing half the time; if I don't make myself a note I forget what I am trying to do in the first place" chimed yet another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence..."Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank the Lord we can all still drive."
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.02.2006, 11:32
An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Mg's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 28.02.2006, 11:06
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.
Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 28.02.2006, 11:10
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said "This is incredible. I've got to try it again".
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind".
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong "I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"
Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
:-D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 28.02.2006, 11:16
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
:-D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.03.2006, 12:20
:D good jokes Su
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.03.2006, 12:28
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.03.2006, 12:39
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.03.2006, 13:41
Hahaha Nef :D :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.03.2006, 14:02
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?"
"No" said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Arkansas Gazette Newspaper read...
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 02.03.2006, 01:49
Hysterical jokes, Neffie-poo & Su-poo :D :D
Click on this link below & turn on your speakers
http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk/JackSchitt/Jack_Schit.htm
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.03.2006, 11:15
Gina From Da Block wrote: Hysterical jokes, Neffie-poo & Su-poo :D :D
Click on this link below & turn on your speakers
http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk/JackSchitt/Jack_Schit.htm
Oh that was sooooo funny, Gina LOL :D :D Thankyou :D :P
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.03.2006, 13:33
I'm nearly down of my chair Su :D
Great link Gina :D As said Su thank you (I only had to listen to it twice, lol :D :wink: ).
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.03.2006, 13:49
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.03.2006, 14:05
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.03.2006, 14:13
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.03.2006, 16:45
LOL Nef :lol:
:
Shit Happens::
•Taoism: Shit happens.
• Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
• Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
• Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
• Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
• Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
• Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
• Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
• Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
• Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
• Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
• Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
• Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
• Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
• Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that
happens to another.
• Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
• Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
• Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
• Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
• Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
• Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
• Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
• Creationism: God made all shit.
• Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
• Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
• Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
• Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
• Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
• Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
• Darwinism: This shit was once food.
• Capitalism: That's MY shit.
• Communism: It's everybody's shit.
• Feminism: Men are shit.
• Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us... ???†?????????????? ????? ??????? ???? ????? ?????†?????????????? ???? ? ????????? ???? ????? ???? ? ??????? ?????†???????? ????? ?????? ???? ????? ?????†??????????????? ???? ??????? ??????? ???? ??? ?????†?????????????? ??? ???? ?? ????? ??????? ?????†????????? ???? ???? ?? ???? ??? ??? ?????†????????? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ? ???? ???? ?????????? ?????†?????????? ??? ???? ?? ???? ????? ?????†????????? ??? ???? ???? ?? ????? ?? ?????? ?????? ?????†??????? ?? ?? ???? ????? ??? ???? ??????? ?????†???????????? ?? ???? ???????? ??? ???????????? ?????? ?????†????????? ?????????? ??????? ??????? ???? ???????? ?????†????????? ????????? ??? ??? ?? ???? ? ?????? ?? ???? ???? ?? ???? ??? ???? ?? ??? ????? ?????†????????? ????????? ??? ???? ??? ???? ?????????? ??? ?? ????????? ???? ??? ????????? ????? ??????? ??? ?????????? ?????†???????? ???? ?????? ????? ???? ???????? ?????†???? ???????? ???? ???????? ???? ????? ?????†??????????????? ????? ????? ???? ????? ?????†??????????????? ???? ??????? ???? ?? ??? ????? ?????†?????? ?? ?????????? ??? ?????? ?????†?????????? ???? ???? ???? ??? ??? ?? ? ????? ?????†????????? ???? ????? ???? ????????? ???? ?????? ????? ???? ?????†???????? ??? ??? ??????? ????? ?????†???????? ??? ???? ?? ???? ????? ?????†????????? ??????? ????? ?????†???????? ???? ????? ?????†??????? ??? ? ????? ??????? ???? ????? ?????†????????? ?? ?????
Hehe :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 02.03.2006, 19:50
Su & Nef: glad you liked that little video. Would you believe my FATHER sent it to me???? :P
Loved both your jokes today, especially the "shit" one, Su!!! hahaha!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.03.2006, 11:58
Gina From Da Block wrote: Su & Nef: glad you liked that little video. Would you believe my FATHER sent it to me???? :P
Loved both your jokes today, especially the "shit" one, Su!!! hahaha!
Thanks Gina, and thank you to your dad too :D Has he any more ? :P LOL
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 03.03.2006, 20:21
su wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Su & Nef: glad you liked that little video. Would you believe my FATHER sent it to me???? :P
Loved both your jokes today, especially the "shit" one, Su!!! hahaha!
Thanks Gina, and thank you to your dad too :D Has he any more ? :P LOL
:wink:
Yes! See 2 new topics I've started on here - both came from dear ol' dad
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.03.2006, 11:47
Gina From Da Block wrote: su wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Su & Nef: glad you liked that little video. Would you believe my FATHER sent it to me???? :P
Loved both your jokes today, especially the "shit" one, Su!!! hahaha!
Thanks Gina, and thank you to your dad too :D Has he any more ? :P LOL
:wink:
Yes! See 2 new topics I've started on here - both came from dear ol' dad
Great Gina :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.03.2006, 12:14
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.03.2006, 12:18
One Day In The Garden Of Eden
Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her.
"What's the problem, Eve?" "Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"I am lonely," said Eve, "and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, God?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly."
"Sounds great." said Eve. She raised an eyebrow ironically. "What's the catch?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman.
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 04.03.2006, 18:28
Love your jokes, Su :lol:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out,
and screaming "WOO HOO,
What a Ride!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.03.2006, 11:38
Gina From Da Block wrote: Love your jokes, Su :lol:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out,
and screaming "WOO HOO,
What a Ride!"
Yeah..LOL :D :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.03.2006, 11:40
Dirty Sounding Laws
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the #1 dirty law statement ................
1. Think you can get me off?
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.03.2006, 11:42
Mark and Carey were walking down the road when Mark tells
Carey, "I'm gonna take you there behind that bush and
scares ya good". So he drags Carey, kicking and screaming,
behind the bush and has sex with her.
Later, they're walking down the road again and Carey says
to Mark, "Mark, hon, take me behind that bush and scare
me again." So he takes her once again behind the bush
and has sex with her.
After a time, Mark and Carey are walking along when Carey
asks Mark to again take her behind a bush and scare her.
Mark obliges and the two have sex once more.
A short while later they are on their way again when
Carey turns to Mark and says sweetly, "Mark, scare me
just one more time."
Mark says, "BOO, dammitt!"
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.03.2006, 11:43
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes
won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green
tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her
neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's
what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all
your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll
be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red,
you'll see."
Well, what the hell? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks
how it worked. "So-so" she answers. "The tomatoes are still
green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.03.2006, 11:46
I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I
licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to
scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.
I threw away the outsides of my Oreo Cookie.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 06.03.2006, 01:01
su wrote: Dirty Sounding Laws
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the #1 dirty law statement ................
1. Think you can get me off?
:lol:
LOL @ Su!!! Love it!! :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 06.03.2006, 01:02
Click here:
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/specials/life/life.htm
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.03.2006, 11:00
Gina From Da Block wrote: Click here:
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/specials/life/life.htm
Very true :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.03.2006, 11:36
REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
* Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
* Proper beer.
* You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
* You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
* Union jack underpants.
* Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
* You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
* Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
* Ditto changing underwear.
* Beats being Welsh or Scottish.
:wink: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.03.2006, 11:43
A STORY ABOUT MY ASS
Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker. He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.
Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule. It had become somewhat of an historical site.
Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but didn't notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions. The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?"
"Sure," replied the old man. "You're right on the edge of My Ass."
The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else. He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street. He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost."
The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You're right smack dab in the middle of My Ass!"
At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant. He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town.
The waitress walked over and asked, "What'll you have stranger?"
The man replied, "I think I'll have the crab platter."
The waitress replied, "I'm sorry sir, we're all out of crabs. My husband looked all over My Ass last night and didn't find but two and we ate them."
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 06.03.2006, 22:11
Love that l'il story about your ass, Su :D
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 07.03.2006, 08:12
Hilarious you guys ! I needed a good laugh !!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.03.2006, 11:05
LOL :D Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 07.03.2006, 11:24
Haha! girls :-D lol
What do you call a Redneck who has a dog and a cat?
Bisexual.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 07.03.2006, 11:27
When did Pinocchio realise he wasn't a real boy, and that he was made out of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.03.2006, 16:22
LOL Nef :lol:
:
Did you hear about the gay midget?
Yeah, he came out of the cupboard...
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.03.2006, 18:11
[URL=http://imageshack.us][/URL
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 07.03.2006, 22:10
Love the jokes, ladies!! LMAO :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.03.2006, 11:08
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?
"Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting
his house with a two-inch Brush and my Dad says it will take the
contagious!"
:wink: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.03.2006, 16:47
Best Positions in Bed!
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And you thought it was going to be dirty :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 08.03.2006, 22:21
Ready for some tongue twisters? Want to learn a new language?
There you go! [->]
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 10:40
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?
Pretty hot!
:lol: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 09.03.2006, 10:57
Thanks for that link Michi :D :D
su wrote: And you thought it was going to be dirty :wink:
Absolutly Su ! :D :D :wink:
Very cute pictures :) :balloon Thank you.
But I like the picture with the cow too :wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 11:05
Nefertari wrote: su wrote: And you thought it was going to be dirty :wink:
Absolutly Su ! :D :D :wink:
Very cute pictures :) :balloon Thank you.
But I like the picture with the cow too :wink: :D
Thanks Nef :wink: ( I'm glad the cow pic didn't make you shUDDER) :D :wink: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 09.03.2006, 11:18
[quote="su"][quote="Nefertari"] su wrote:
Thanks Nef :wink: ( I'm glad the cow pic didn't make you shUDDER) :D :wink: :wink:
Mmmm Su! what a lovely pun!! :clap :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 11:24
Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 11:25
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 11:26
What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 11:26
What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning?
"It's just an udder day"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 11:30
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
:roll: Errrr mooving on now.... :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 09.03.2006, 11:43
lol Su :D
New types of Barbies
There're others but... :oops: :oops: :whistle No no Michi, I won't post them on this site :wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 13:12
LOL Nef VERY FUNNY :D hehehe
:
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 13:21
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.03.2006, 13:27
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 09.03.2006, 15:09
simplymichi wrote: Ready for some tongue twisters? Want to learn a new language?
There you go! [->]
These are great, Neffie-poo!! :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 10.03.2006, 13:48
Personality and BRA size!
Personality of a female follows the size of her BRA
* 30 = Innocent
* 32 = Calm
* 34 = Defensive
* 36 = Sexy
* 38 = Hot
* 40 = Aggressive
* 42 = Beyond Control
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.03.2006, 11:59
Redneck Haikus
Beauty
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps
Remorse
A painful sadness
Cain't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
Mother and Child
Crusted in boogers
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves
Exuberance
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
Alone
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order
Desire
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost fergit
That you're my cousin
Impounded
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
Offerings
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton
Drama
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock
Deprived
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass
No Signal
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; the satellite dish
Needs new descrambler
Pride
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pick-up bed
:) :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.03.2006, 12:02
What do you say to a baby Jewish American Princess?
Gucci Gucci Goo
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.03.2006, 16:19
Why did the Redneck trade his wife for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.03.2006, 16:29
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
:-D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.03.2006, 16:34
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 11.03.2006, 19:44
su wrote: Why did the Redneck trade his wife for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.
:D
LOLLLLL!!! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.03.2006, 20:06
The Top 15 Redneck Porno Movies
I Know You Done Your Sister Last Summer
Turn Her and Hooch
Urban Cow, Boy!
Debbie Does Dullards
I Am Curious, Ol' Yeller
9 1/2 Teeth
The Silence of the Sheep (God Willing)
Nasty NASCAR Nimphama--, uh, Nymfama--, uh, Crazy Nekkid Gals!
Deep Goat
Crouchin' Brother, His'n Sister
Auntie Get Your Gums
The Girl Who Could Not Run Faster Than Her Brothers
Behind the Green Teeth
Bob and Carol and Bessie and Babe
and the Number 1 Redneck Porno Movie...
Three Men and a Beatty (as in Ned Beatty in the movie "Deliverance" SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!!!)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.03.2006, 13:34
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.03.2006, 18:59
THE POOPIE LIST
THE CROWD PLEASER: This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER: This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL: This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE: So noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK: This has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER: A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER: A dump which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL: A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e., during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -- usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE: This occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE: This may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED POOPIE: Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA: Fear of shitting -- can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL: Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP: The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER: This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit).
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POOPIE: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE: When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE: Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE PERFECT POOPIE: Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
THE BEER POOPIE: Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
THE CHILI POOPIE: Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili poopie stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
THE CABLE POOPIE: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
THE LATRINE POOPIE: In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
THE MONA LISA POOPIE: This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
THE EMPTY ROLL POOPIE: You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome.Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
THE SPLASH BACK POOPIE: You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
THE ABORTED POOPIE: You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
THE ALFRESCO POOPIE: Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
THE CHILDBIRTH POOPIE: This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
THE TIJUANA TROT POOPIE: The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
THE MACHINE GUN POOPIE: You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
THE SOUND EFFECT POOPIE: You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
THE SECURITY POOPIE: You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
THE CLING-ON POOPIE: For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
THE HOUDINI POOPIE: You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
THE FLUE POOPIE: You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
THE PORTA-POTTIE POOPIE: Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice: Go in a paper cup.
THE PROCTOLOGIST POOPIE: In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
THE WHOLE ROLL POOPIE: No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
THE GRAFFITI POOPIE: You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.
THE ENCORE POOPIE: Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
THE BORN AGAIN POOPIE: This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth ...you forget the pain quickly.
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 14.03.2006, 18:00
LOL @ Su - love those poopy descriptions. I can definitely relate to some of 'em :D :D
ALCOHOL VS. WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey,beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation. It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.
THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water
and be full of it !!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.03.2006, 18:49
Hahaha I love that one, Gina :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 14.03.2006, 18:59
WOW! It was long to read but very nice jokes Su & Gina :D
Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.
Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.
Frank told Bubba just to shut up, do what he does, and let him do the talking.
Frank then ripped the label off his beer,licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead.
Bubba went right along and done the same.
The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?". Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop."
The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?". "Yep", said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on yall's forehead?"
Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 14.03.2006, 19:04
Your Church Might Be A Redneck Church If:
- People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.
- The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," then five guys
and two women stand up.
- Opening day of deer season is recognized as
an official church holiday.
- A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
- With a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
- Baptism is referred to as "branding."
- People think "rapture" is what you get when
you lift something too heavy.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.03.2006, 19:18
:D Nef LOL
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 14.03.2006, 19:24
:shock:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 14.03.2006, 22:26
Hysterical jokes, Su & Neffie-poo!!!! :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.03.2006, 11:15
Emoticons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called
"emoticons", where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "ass icons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.03.2006, 11:26
A man went to a doctor. "I have three balls", he said, "and I don't like that very much".
As he sounded very depressed, the doctor decided to cheer him up. "Three balls is wonderful", he said, "women go wild on men with three balls".
"Are you sure?" the man asked.
"Absolutely sure", the doctor said.
The man left and went home by bus. Considering his doctor's words he feels better and better. He even can't keep his joy to himself. So he says to this great black man next to him: "You know, together we have five balls!"
The big man looks at him and says: "Really? You've got only one?"
:lol: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 15.03.2006, 13:40
LOLLLLLLL Su !! :D :D
The ass icons list is simply great ! :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.03.2006, 19:10
STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION FORM
Name: ______________ (last)
First:(Please tick appropriate box)
Billy-Bob [ ]
Billy-Joe [ ]
Billy-Ray [ ]
Billy-Sue [ ]
Billy-Mae [ ]
Billy-Jack [ ]
Shoe size: ______ (left) ________ (right)
Occupation:
Farmer [ ]
Mechanic [ ]
Hair Dresser [ ]
Unemployed [ ]
Relationship with spouse:
sister [ ]
brother [ ]
aunt [ ]
uncle [ ]
cousin [ ]
mother [ ]
father [ ]
son [ ]
daughter [ ]
pet [ ]
Education: 1 2 3 4 (tick highest grade completed)
Do you own [ ] or rent [ ] your mobile home?
___ total number of vehicles you own
___ number of vehicles that still crank
___ number of vehicles in front yard
___ number of vehicles in back yard
___ number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
truck [ ]
bedroom [ ]
bathroom [ ]
kitchen [ ]
shed [ ]
Model and year of pick-up: __________194__
Do you have a gun rack? [ ]yes [ ]no. (If no, please explain)
___ number of times you've seen Elvis
___ number of times you've seen a UFO
___ number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
weekly [ ]
monthly [ ]
N/A [ ]
Colour of teeth:
yellow [ ]
brownish-yellow [ ]
brown [ ]
black [ ]
N/A [ ]
How far is your home from a paved road:
1-5 miles [ ]
5-10 miles [ ]
don't know [ ]
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 15.03.2006, 21:25
This was developed as an intelligence test by a research and
development department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake.
[The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!]
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the THIRD word in each line from the
top down to determine your intelligence.
:D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.03.2006, 16:38
Hahaha Gina
:
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail. Then they decide to escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then jumps in the bushes on the other side. The guards poke their heads around the door to see what the noise was so the brunette says, "meow meow." The guards say, "Don't worry it was just a cat."
So then the redhead has to go, she gets up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, "meow meow."
The guards say, "oh never mind, just another cat..."
So then its the blonde's turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off, and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all the noise is, so the blonde says, "Don't Worry, its just Another Cat!!"
:)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.03.2006, 16:57
it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
...now its 11:00 at the police station...
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.
billy-bob: i know...:> and thats not my finger!! :>
:)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 16.03.2006, 22:06
LOL @ Su!!! :D :D
The Husband Store
A Store that sells husbands has just opened in New
York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is,
however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a
particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to
find a husband . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the
housework.
"Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the
housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch
your step as you exit the building, and have a nice
day!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 10:08
LOL Gina :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 12:41
Nymphomania
A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 12:43
Smart Ass (noun)
Someone who can sit on a scoop of ice cream and tell you what flavor it is.
:-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 12:46
Transvestite (noun)
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 12:47
Amnesia (noun)
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 12:48
Cannibal
Person who likes to see other people stewed.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 12:52
Argument (noun)
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 12:53
Enema
A goose with a gush.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 17.03.2006, 15:30
:D :D Su and Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 17.03.2006, 15:36
During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 17.03.2006, 15:46
WOMEN
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.
Women have special qualities about them.
They volunteer for good causes.
They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors.
They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They are in the front row at PTA meetings.
They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the Right school and for getting their family the right health care.
They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They do without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman's touch can cure any ailment.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
She can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 16:23
HeheheYEAH..spot on :D :D Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.03.2006, 16:27
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 17.03.2006, 18:25
Great laughs, Nef & Su :top
An old couple was married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, their neighbors could hear screaming and yelling deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 18.03.2006, 11:22
:D hehehe I love that one Gina :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 18.03.2006, 13:09
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn't:
1. it's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 18.03.2006, 19:56
Oh, Su, those are all so true!! :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.03.2006, 11:13
USEFUL PHRASES FOR BACKPACKERS IN THE MIDDLE EAST
• "Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan."
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
• "Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey"
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
• "Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram"
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
• "Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar"
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
• "Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban"
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
• "Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande"
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.
• "Balli, Balli, Balli"
Whatever you say.
• "Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti"
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
• "Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma."
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.03.2006, 11:16
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody.
The first four don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 21.03.2006, 16:11
AHKMED THE ARAB MUSLIM
Ahkmed, the Arab Muslim, came to the United States from the
Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very
ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help
him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees
bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and
den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten
minutes." Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in
the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes
for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel
terrific! What was wrong with me?" The doctor said, "You were homesick!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 21.03.2006, 16:31
:lol: Gina :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.03.2006, 12:39
What’s the difference between a "pun" and a "fart"????
A "pun" is a "shift of whit"
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.03.2006, 12:41
WHAT IS A FART? IT’S A TURD HONKING FOR CLEARANCE.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 23.03.2006, 19:33
Love 'em, Su! I just love 'em :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.03.2006, 11:23
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look."Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor.. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman, I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 24.03.2006, 15:47
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
:devil
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 24.03.2006, 15:55
Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.
"No, she's broke," he said.
"Well, then, is it sex?" she inquired.
"Nobody does it like you, babe!" he replied.
"Then what can she do that I can't?" the woman tearfully asked.
"Sue me for child support!!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 24.03.2006, 16:10
At his wedding reception, the young groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."
Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: "What's sex like then when you get older, granddad?"
His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.03.2006, 16:31
LOL :lol: Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.03.2006, 16:45
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.03.2006, 16:45
Definition of Agony
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.03.2006, 16:48
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.03.2006, 16:53
What did the bow-legged doe say?
Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 27.03.2006, 21:59
Ha haha! Su :D
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 27.03.2006, 22:37
A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
:?
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 28.03.2006, 09:32
:lol: Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 29.03.2006, 06:20
Love your jokes, ladies :top
A BAD DAY AT WORK
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy...
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below
is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won:
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I
had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately
at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to
me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a
suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is
quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When
I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all
laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make
three agonizing in- water decompression stops totaling thirty-five
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and
told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream
put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was
swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my
job!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.03.2006, 09:45
Hehehe :D Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.03.2006, 17:31
There are 3 singers singing in a pub. Shaggy,Craig David and Britany Spears. Somebody farted and Shaggy goes
IT WASN'T ME
Craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and Britany said
OOPS I DID IT AGAIN
and the next day somebody farted again and Shaggy said
IT WASN'T ME
Craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and Britany said
STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!!!!
:-D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 30.03.2006, 01:43
Love that one, Su! Where did you get it from? :D :D
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you
that will make your lives better." The Arabs asked, "What are
Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you
give us an example?" Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not
interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The
Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father
and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou
shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall
not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
They're free."
"We'll take 10."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 30.03.2006, 09:56
LOL :lol: Gina, my son told me it :) :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 30.03.2006, 11:01
There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she
say's "my hands are
really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them
between your legs,
that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The
next day the girl is
riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
cold, so the girl say's,
"Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and
his hands get
warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
The day after that
he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between
my legs and warm it
up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she
asks, "Mom have you
ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She
says I don't know
what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 30.03.2006, 11:05
What do you call a gay Indian?
A brave sucker!
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 30.03.2006, 21:32
HAHAHA, Su!!!! :shock: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.04.2006, 11:07
Why did they kick all of the midgets out of the nudist colony?
They kept getting in everyones hair.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.04.2006, 11:13
What did they call the first Chinese test tube baby?
- No Fun Son
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.04.2006, 11:17
An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!" and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert...Albert, zere is zis man zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field, making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "
Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!" grabbed is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English."
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 01.04.2006, 15:52
A spoiled little girl lived next to a not so well to do little boy. The little girl took great pride in always showing off her stuff. Day after day the little girl went over to the little boy to point out that her item of the day was better then his stuff.
On this day she started to walk over to show off her newest gift, but just after she opened her mouth and said, "Look what I got and it's better then yours," the little boy pulled down his pants and said, "So what? I bet you ain't got one of these!"
The little girl ran off into her house.
Five minutes later she reappeared in front of the little boy. She pulls her pants down and said, "Well, my mommy said that as long as I got one of these, I will always have one of them!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 01.04.2006, 16:02
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer.
The husband was extremely dejected.
The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
"This is a disaster," the husband answered.
"I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 01.04.2006, 16:06
A blonde's house was on fire and she went next door to call 911.
The lady on the other end calmly replied to the blonde's frantic ravings, "It's okay. Just tell me, how do we get to your house?"
"Well, duh! Don't you have those big red trucks?!?"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 01.04.2006, 16:07
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
He, thinking it's his lucky day, lays her over the kitchen table and they have sex.
Afterwards he asks, "What was that all about?"
She says, "The egg timer's broken."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 01.04.2006, 16:09
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the guy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The guy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the guy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the hooker.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 01.04.2006, 16:13
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.04.2006, 16:36
:D Love the jokes, Lin :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.04.2006, 17:00
How do you get a tissue to dance?
- You give it a boogie!
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.04.2006, 17:01
Do you know what's funny?
A bunch of naked gay guys running in a straight line!
Do you know what's funnier?
The first guy stops!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.04.2006, 17:04
How many animals can fit in a pair of panty hose?
Fourteen. Ten little piggies, two calves, an ass and a beaver.
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 01.04.2006, 17:21
Great laughs, Lin & Su!! :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 03.04.2006, 04:06
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11.. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..
12. What Do! You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers..
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Mississippi Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it...
At least one of these made you smile.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.04.2006, 18:58
Haha! :D Thanks girls!!
Have fun :
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8185206259598819752&q=matrix+cow&pl=true
:-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.04.2006, 19:22
Nefertari wrote: Haha! :D Thanks girls!!
Have fun :
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8185206259598819752&q=matrix+cow&pl=true
:-D
:lol: :lol: Thankyou Nef, that was sooo funny :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.04.2006, 19:49
Your're welcome Su :D
:
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
Women working at 900 numbers.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.04.2006, 20:15
Three nuns die and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says "Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly".
The first Nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?" to which she replied "Adam" and was allowed into heaven.
The second Nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?" to which she replied "Eve" and was allowed into heaven.
The third Nun was asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" to which she replied "Ohh! That's a hard one"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 04.04.2006, 00:37
Nefertari wrote: Haha! :D Thanks girls!!
Have fun :
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8185206259598819752&q=matrix+cow&pl=true
:-D
Oh, Neffie-poo, I love this video!!! It's hysterical :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
linmark - 04.04.2006, 01:51
HOLY COW !
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 04.04.2006, 17:39
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?"
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... This is your Grandma's idea."
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 04.04.2006, 17:41
Two women, passing through the fragrance department of a big department store, were offered samples of new perfumes. One woman commented that her sample was much too strong.
The clerk replied, "Oh, it'll be much softer once the alcohol wears off."
"See!" chided her friend. "I told you not to have that second drink!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.04.2006, 17:42
LOL :D Nef
:
OLD CHINESE PROVERBS
1. WOMAN WHO GOES TO MAN'S APT. FOR SNACK, GETS TIT-BIT.
2. MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GETS PEACE ON EARTH.
3. MAN WHO GETS KICKED IN TESTICLES, LEFT HOLDING THE BAG.
4. MAN WHO KISSES GIRL'S BEHIND, GETS CRACK IN FACE.
5. WOMAN WHO SPEND MUCH TIME ON BEDSPRING, MAY HAVE OFFSPRING.
6. PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER WEB--LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY.
7. MAN WHO SUCKS NIPPLES MAKES CLEAN BREAST OF THINGS.
8. MAN WITH HOLES IN POCKETS FEELS COCKY ALL DAY.
9. MAN WHO SNATCH KISSES WHEN YOUNG, KISSES SNATCHES WHEN OLD.
10. MAN WHO FIGHTS WIFE ALL DAY GETS NO PIECE AT NIGHT.
11. HE WHO FISHES IN OTHER MANS WELL OFTEN CATCHES CRABS.
12. HE WHO PLAYS WITH SELF, PULLS BONER.
13. BOY WHO GO TO BED WITH SEX PROBLEM, WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.
14. VIRGINITY LIKE BALLOON--ONE PRICK--ALL GONE.
15. GIRL WHO DOUCHES WITH VINEGAR WALKS AROUND WITH SOUR PUSS.
16. GIRLS SHOULD NOT MARRY BASKETBALL PLAYERS--THEY DRIBBLE BEFORE THEY SHOOT.
17. MAN WITH ATHLETIC FINGER, MAKE BROAD JUMP.
18. MAN WHO MARRY GIRL WITH NO BUST HAS RIGHT TO FEEL LOW DOWN.
19. GIRL WHO RIDES BICYCLE, PEDDLES ASS ALL OVER TOWN.
20. MAN WHO FARTS IN CHURCH, SITS IN OWN PEW.
21. BABY CONCEIVED IN BACK SEAT OF CAR WITH AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, GROW UP TO BE SHIFTLESS B*STARD.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 04.04.2006, 18:12
:D LOL Su!
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 05.04.2006, 03:44Thanks!
I haven't looked at or posted to this topic for a while. Took me a whole hour just to read all that Funny stuff! :top Thanks for the laughs su, Nef, Gina, Michi & Lin!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
SMILES :D
DIANAD
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 05.04.2006, 03:58Funny
LOL!!! :D
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 05.04.2006, 05:03
Love that cartoon, D!! :D :D
The Latest in Recruitment Procedures:
The Test :
1)Put about 100 bricks , in no particular order , in a room that has a window.
2)Send the 2 candidates at a time to the room and close the door.
3)Come back after 1 hour (average interview time) to assess the situation .
The Assessment :
* If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounting .
* If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
* If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
* If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
* If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
* If they are sleeping, put them at the reception.
* If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in I.T .
* If they are sitting idle, put them in H.R.
* If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not one brick has been moved, put them in sales.
* If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
* If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
last but not least:
* If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.04.2006, 12:35
LOL Girls :lol: :lol:
:
Two Irish men are walking along Kensington High Street when they see a sign.
Suits ?5.00
shirts ?1.00
trousers ?.50
One said to the other one "Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune,
When we go into the shop don't say anything let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us so I'll speak in my best English accent."
They go in and he orders, 50 suits at #15.00
100 shirts at #2.00 and
50 trousers at #2.50
the owner of the shop says "You're Irish aren't you " he says
"Oh bollocks.....Yes, how de hell did you know that ?",
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners !!!!!
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.04.2006, 12:37
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.
Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.
Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
husband: "Guess who?"
wife: "I know who it is!"
husband:"Guess what I want?"
wife: "I know what you want!"
husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 05.04.2006, 16:18Funny
:lol: su & gina
Work vs...Prison just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear.
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 05.04.2006, 22:31
Love the jokes, ladies. Unfortunately, I have none today :cry:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 06.04.2006, 16:40
http://www.dimka.ee/foo/cursor.html <-- move the cursor around his nose and see what happens :D
... and here's some kind of "music" for you: http://www.unf-unf.de/show.php?did=576 :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 06.04.2006, 17:36Fun
Great links Michi!!! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 06.04.2006, 17:44joke
New Dog Varieties
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind...
:-D :o :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 06.04.2006, 23:29
Love the links & the doggie stuff, Michi & Lady Di!! :top
Okay, this is not a joke, but I found it very touching. Click on this & turn up your speakers (the song is from the movie "Gladiator"):
http://objflicks.com/GladiatorAmericanStyle.htm
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.04.2006, 09:55
Love the links and jokes girls :top :D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 07.04.2006, 12:05
LOL girls :D great links!! :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 07.04.2006, 14:25
There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they’d heard last night was.
He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.
So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 07.04.2006, 21:57Joke
Funny Su! :lol:
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.04.2006, 12:18
LOL Diana :D
:
Funny Instruction Labels
These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this..)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
:shock: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.04.2006, 12:22
Carstianity
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 09.04.2006, 16:03
:D great laughs ladies!
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
the car!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 09.04.2006, 16:42
Trying To Do The Job Alone
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!
:shock: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 09.04.2006, 17:30
This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the
plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only
a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but
unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting
toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to
her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you
know anything about gas stoves?"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.04.2006, 18:44
:lol: :lol: :lol: Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.04.2006, 18:58
A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, "Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wife's wonderful chocolate chip cookies."
After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wife's cookies still lingering on his palate?
The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.
He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.
Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.
He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wife's love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.
He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.
His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his galant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, "Oh no you don't, THOSE are for the funeral!"
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.04.2006, 19:06
15 Dog Commandments
1. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am
sleeping!
2. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the plants.
3. Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
4. Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
5. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises.
6. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
7. Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
8. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
9. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
10. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy).
11. Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
12. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)
13. Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
14. Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
15. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.!
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 10.04.2006, 17:07Joke
HA HA HA!!!! :lol: Good stuff ladies! :-D
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?"
The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The guy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 11.04.2006, 06:25
1. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?imagine%3dscherzi_150404_01.swf
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.04.2006, 14:23
[quote="Gina From Da Block"]1. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?imagine%3dscherzi_150404_01
.swf[/quote]
I can't get anything up on screen :?
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 11.04.2006, 14:35
Funny one, Diana :-D
:
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 11.04.2006, 18:45Funny
VERY FUNNY SU!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 11.04.2006, 18:47Not Working
Gina
I can't get your link to work either. When I click on it, a blank web browser opens up!
DIANAD :)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 11.04.2006, 18:52Easter Funny
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.04.2006, 10:11
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Diana, :D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.04.2006, 10:14
Q: What airline do rabbits use?
A: British Hare-ways!
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.04.2006, 10:28
Q: Why did the Irish bald man paint rabbits on his head?
A: Because from a distance they looked like hares
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 12.04.2006, 18:04
Gina From Da Block wrote: 1. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?imagine%3dscherzi_150404_01.swf
Hmmm, there's a typo in that link, Gina!
Try this link instead: http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf :lol: very funny :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 12.04.2006, 19:34Funny
simplymichi wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: 1. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?imagine%3dscherzi_150404_01.swf
Hmmm, there's a typo in that link, Gina!
Try this link instead: http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf :lol: very funny :lol:
Thanks for the correct link Michi! :D
Very funny Gina!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
DIANAD :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 12.04.2006, 19:45Easter Funny
EASTER FUNNY!!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 12.04.2006, 21:33
su wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: 1. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?imagine%3dscherzi_150404_01
.swf
I can't get anything up on screen :?
Sorry, Su & Diana, the damn link didn't work!! :x
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 12.04.2006, 21:35
simplymichi wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: 1. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?imagine%3dscherzi_150404_01.swf
Hmmm, there's a typo in that link, Gina!
Try this link instead: http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf :lol: very funny :lol:
Yes, that's it, Michi!! Thanks :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.04.2006, 10:24Re: Easter Funny
DIANAD1 wrote: EASTER FUNNY!!!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
LOL Diana :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.04.2006, 10:25
I got the link, Gina , very funny :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 13.04.2006, 22:54
Glad you liked it, Su!
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"
"Don't what?"
Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.
"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it! "
Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.04.2006, 18:32
:D haha Gena :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 15.04.2006, 05:56
Gotta turn on your speakers for this one:
http://asiantown.net/blog/fla/are_you_dumb.swf
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.04.2006, 10:30
Gina From Da Block wrote: Gotta turn on your speakers for this one:
http://asiantown.net/blog/fla/are_you_dumb.swf
Hehe I'm not as daft as I look :lol: :wink: Thanks for the link, Gina :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 15.04.2006, 10:53
Gina From Da Block wrote: Gotta turn on your speakers for this one:
http://asiantown.net/blog/fla/are_you_dumb.swf
Wow, lucky me ... I am NOT dumb *phew* :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.04.2006, 12:16
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
:wink: :)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.04.2006, 12:24
They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.
:wink: :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.04.2006, 12:30
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
:wink: :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.04.2006, 12:34
Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 15.04.2006, 23:12
su wrote: A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
:wink: :-D
LOL, this one's hysterical, Su!! :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 16.04.2006, 13:39
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 17.04.2006, 00:15
Hysterical photo, Michi! :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.04.2006, 11:39
Yeah :D Michi :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 17.04.2006, 12:22
Top Summer Camps You Shouldn't Send Your Kids To:
10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to...
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee
:wink: :)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 17.04.2006, 16:19Thanks!
LOL!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Love the jokes su, gina and your funny pic Michi!!!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 17.04.2006, 16:27Sex in Advertising
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 18.04.2006, 00:25
HAHAHA, Su & Diana!! :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.04.2006, 16:55Who's the Boss?
Who's the Boss?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.04.2006, 17:15Joke
Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
Because men won't stop for directions! :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 18.04.2006, 17:19
Hahaha :D Diana
:
THE TRAFFIC ACCIDENT
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!" The truck driver, laughs and says, "Blow me!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"
:wink: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 19.04.2006, 01:56
LOL everyone!!! :-D :-D
PRIMARY CARE DOCTOR
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.04.2006, 10:31
Hahaha Gina :D
:
"What's it to be?", asks the barmaid.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................", says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman, "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui......"
Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th.............."
"Bugger this," says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.
"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui", says the Irishman.
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th", says the Scotsman.
"Look," says the barmaid, who loves a bet and was sure that no one would win. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll let you take me upstairs ". "So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
"And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.
"London," says the Irishman.
"Oh bugger " thinks the barmaid as great cheer goes up in the pub. So she reluctantly takes the Irishman by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips off and spreads on bed. The Irishman climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out
"...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 21.04.2006, 14:32Joke
:lol: Funny Stuff su & gina!
Naked Gambling
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.
As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"
She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 21.04.2006, 17:23
Good one, D!!! :D :D
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER:
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.04.2006, 10:23
Hahaha Diana and Gina :lol:
:
Who invented the TERM
Suffers from Premature Ejaculation???
Must've been a woman,
because no man would call it suffering...
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.04.2006, 10:26
Banana Cake
Ingredients
2x Laughing eyes
2x Well shaped legs
2x Loving arms
2x Firm milk containers
2x Nuts
1x Fur-lined mixing bowl
1x Firm Banana
Method
Look into laughing eyes.
Spread well-shaped legs slowly.
Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently
until furr-lined mixing bowl is well greased.
Check frequently with finger.
Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana.
Add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl gently.
Work in and out until well creamed.
For best results continue to knead milk containers.
As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur-lined mixing bowl,
cover with nuts, sigh with relief.
Leave to soak (preferably overnight).
The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If the banana doesn't soften,
repeat method or change mixing bowl.
If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully.
NOTE: DO NOT LICK MIXING BOWL AFTER BANANA SOFTENS
IF CAKE 'RISES',
LEAVE TOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 22.04.2006, 15:12
Oh, Su, I love that banana recipe - YUM!! :D
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter
Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.[/b]
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.04.2006, 09:46
:top Very Good, Gina :D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 24.04.2006, 16:41Funny!
Gina,
Gina From Da Block wrote: Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? My cat wonders why too!!!!!!! :roll:
Gina From Da Block wrote: Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke! I’m guilty of this one! :shock:
su your banana cake recipe is a riot!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
SMILES :D
DIANAD
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 24.04.2006, 16:46Joke
Youth vs. Over 40 Crowd
Top 12 things that just don't mix
A nose ring and bifocals :nee
Spiked hair and bald spots :roll:
A pierced tongue and dentures :?
Mini-skirts and support hose :lol:
Ankle bracelets and corn pads :flop
Speedos and cellulite :oops:
A belly ring and a gall bladder surgery scar :hae
Midriff shirts and love handles :cry:
Bikinis and liver spots :|
Short skirts and varicose veins :-}
In-line skates and a walker :P
Thong underwear and Depends under garments :shock:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.04.2006, 17:36
:D Hahaha Diana, Thanks :wink:
:
A guy calls his wife from the emergency room.
He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works. "Oh my God!!" cries the woman.
"The whole finger?" "No," replies the guy. "The one next to it"
:wink: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.04.2006, 17:39
Dean is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says he has just the thing - 'Life-like Tina' - So realistic you cannot tell the difference! Dean orders one.
Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks and decides to blow it up.
Once inflated he gets a rapid hard-on and thinks ... "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and posts it out to Dean. A month later Dean rings up.
Dean: "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll? I cannot tell you how happy I am."
Supplier: "That's great!"
Dean: 'It was a totally unbelievable experience" Supplier:
'Realistic then?'
Dean: 'So realistic ... I got syphilis.'
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 24.04.2006, 19:31
su wrote:
Dean: 'So realistic ... I got syphilis.'
:shock: :? *urgh* :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 24.04.2006, 23:59
HAHAHA, Diana & Su!! Great jokes :top
SPAGHETTI
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman
for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided
in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey", she said, "You received a very strange post card today, from Italy."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he snarled.
The wife handed it to him and watched as he read the card, turned white and passed out cold on the floor!
The wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 26.04.2006, 09:43
Hehehe Gina :D
:
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 26.04.2006, 09:45
Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 26.04.2006, 09:46
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 26.04.2006, 09:47
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
:wink: :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 26.04.2006, 09:50
Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A. Gonorrhoea.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 27.04.2006, 00:48
Love your jokes, Suzy Q!! :top :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.04.2006, 14:30
Thanks Gina :wink:
:
Q: What can a jelly bean do that a man can't do?
A: Come in 7 different flavours.
:-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.04.2006, 14:31
Q: Why is there no Pilsbury Dough Girl?
A: She died of a yeast infection.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.04.2006, 14:33
BOOK TITLES
RUSSIA'S REVENGE...BY IGOR WHOBITYAKOKOFF
TIGER'S REVENGE...BY CLAUDE BALLS
BROWN SPOTS ON THE WALL...BY WHO FLUNG DUNG
50 STEPS TO THE OUTHOUSE...BY WILLIE MAKEIT...ILLUSTRATED BY BETTY WONT
RUSTY BEDSPRINGS...BY I P NIGHTLY
YELLOW STREAM...BY I P STANDING
OPEN KIMONO...BY SEYMOUR HARE
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 27.04.2006, 19:38Joke
HA HA HA!!!!! Great Jokes su! :lol: Gina...I love the spaghetti one too!!! :lol:
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class." :shock:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 27.04.2006, 19:44Joke
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 28.04.2006, 10:00
Hahaha LOL Di :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 28.04.2006, 21:40
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT
Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay?
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 29.04.2006, 11:13
Hehe :-D Funny, Gina
:
A population control program had been introduced in a remote village, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
Doctor told Santa, who had 4 children in four years, that he absolutely had to wear a condom. Doctor explained that as long as he wore it his wife could not have another baby.
About a month later Santa's wife, Jeeto, came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called Santa in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked Santa why he hadn't worn the condom.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 29.04.2006, 23:10
:shock: :D Su!!!!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.05.2006, 10:27
A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”
He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“For what did they put you in prison?”
He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single...”
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.05.2006, 10:30
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.05.2006, 10:42
The difference between men & women : haircuts.
Women's version :
Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts -- I think that would look so cute. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -- see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier . . .
:
Men's version :
Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yup.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.05.2006, 10:50
Suzie Anne done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo'Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo'half brother"
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...
You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Jo and several mo'
I know is yo'half brother"
But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
:devil
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 10:59
LOL Nef :D :D :D
:
A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: "Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?"
"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 11:06
West Virginia sex manual
1. Put it in.
2. Pull it out.
3. Repeat if necessary
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 11:18
There once was a man from Sheen
Who invented a wanking machine.
On the ninety-ninth stroke
the bloody thing broke,
And whipped his balls for cream.
:shock: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 11:21
The hermaphrodite lived in Kew
Whom the local lads loved to screw.
cause she looked so sweet
upon the seat
Of a bisexual built for two.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 01.05.2006, 11:25
Haha! good jokes Su :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 12:30
Thanks Nef
:
There was an old man name Toot
Who had warts all over his root.
He put acid on these,
and now when he pees,
He fingers his root like a flute.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 12:33
There once was a judge of Assize
Whose bollocks were not the same size.
He'd look at the right
With a gasp of delight,
But the left one brought tears to his eyes.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 12:34
A mechanical marvel was Bill,
He'd a tool that was shaped like a quill.
With this fabulous dink
He could squirt purple ink,
And decorate lampshades at will.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 12:35
There was a young fellow named Menzies,
Whose kissing sent girls into frenzies,
But a virgin one night
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bi-focal lenses.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 01.05.2006, 18:29Joke
Good stuff su, nef & gina!
Obviously Nuts
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.
The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'' '
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.05.2006, 18:31
Hehehe :D Diana
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 01.05.2006, 18:53Joke
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.05.2006, 11:52
LOL Su & Di :-D
http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/news/pic/12575/635308
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.05.2006, 11:56
Good one Di :D
Love the picture joke, Nef :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.05.2006, 11:59
Mary Mary quite contrary
how does your garden grow?
I live in a Flat
you silly twat
so how the f*ck would I know!
:-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 02.05.2006, 12:00
There was a young man from Montrose
who masturbated under the bedclothes,
While making his bed
his landlady said
"He's a bugger for blowing his nose."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 02.05.2006, 21:43
Thanks for the giggles, ladies!! :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.05.2006, 23:04
Elevator Chat
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-!-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-!-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-!-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, 'T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday." Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-!-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.05.2006, 23:14
Definition of Barbequing: It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who islounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8 ) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
:whistle :devil
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.05.2006, 10:15
LOL Nef :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.05.2006, 10:16
There was a young harlot of Crete,
Who was hawking her meat in the street,
Ambling out one fine day,
In a casual way,
She clapped up the whole British fleet.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.05.2006, 10:18
.There was a young fellow named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath.
It was fun, he decided,
But only provided
The girl used her lips, not her teeth.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.05.2006, 10:21
A Scotsman who lived by the Loch,
Had holes down the length of his cock,
When he got an erection,
He would play a selection,
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.05.2006, 15:23
:D :D Su
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.05.2006, 15:45
There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Who regretted that men had no prick in them,
On her knees every day,
To her God she would pray,
To lengthen and strengthen, and thicken 'em.
:wink: :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.05.2006, 15:51
There was a young woman named Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap,
And said, "ooh, you're right up my alley.
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 03.05.2006, 21:26
Oh God, Su - yer soooo baaaad!!!! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 03.05.2006, 22:17
Modern Version of the Birds & the Bees
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got MALE."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.05.2006, 15:02
Gina From Da Block wrote: Modern Version of the Birds & the Bees
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got MALE."
:lol: Nice one! Have heard this before, but it's just so sweet :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.05.2006, 15:04
Very Good :D :D Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 04.05.2006, 15:05
Nefertari wrote: Definition of Barbequing: It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who islounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8 ) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
:whistle :devil
It's everywhere the same - all around the world, isn't it? ;)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.05.2006, 18:11
There was a young girl from Madrid
Who didn't want to have kids
So she stuck up a rubber
to give herself cover,
But out came a Dunlop non-skid.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.05.2006, 18:15
A lisping young lady called Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so,
That she stopped saying 'No' and said 'Yeth'.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.05.2006, 18:17
There was a young couple from Arden,
Who tried soisante-neuf in the garden.
He said "My dear Flo,
Where does it all go?
And all she could say was "Gulp...pardon?"
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.05.2006, 18:24
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly 'I was artificially inseminated this morning'
'I don't believe you' said Dolly
'It's true, straight up no bull!"
:-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 05.05.2006, 00:17
Love those limericks, Su :top
ONE OF THESE DAYS
I went into the Gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.05.2006, 09:55
Hahaha :D Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 05.05.2006, 10:32
There was a young lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle,
She had crabs, so they say,
In a year and a day,
Which proves that the turtle was fertile.
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 06.05.2006, 04:23
LOL, great one, Su! :-D
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the
United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That
person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an
American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an
American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks
her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch,
shrugs, and says... "Probably at work...."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.05.2006, 10:50
:lol: LOL Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.05.2006, 11:26
There was a young lady named Sharkey
Who had an affair with a darkey.
The result of her sins
Was quadruplets, not twins,
One white, and one black, and two khaki.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.05.2006, 11:27
A love-sick young barn-owl in Kew
Had a pretty young she-owl in view.
He twittered, "I oughter
Endeavor to court 'er
But I don't have enough wit to woo!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.05.2006, 11:30
There once was a young man who...
laid an extraordinary long poo.
He let out a scream!
Can this be a dream?
That'll never flush down the loo
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 06.05.2006, 16:17
Hahaha, Su!! :D :D
There once lived a girl in New York
And boy, did she love to get porked!
She was so very blunt
And yelled "Stick it in my cunt!"
And before you knew it
Got visited by the stork
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.05.2006, 09:46
:D :D :D LOL Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 08.05.2006, 11:53
http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/news/pic/12580/435340
:wink: :devil
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 08.05.2006, 12:10
will read your jokes later ladies
A lady encountered two vicars
Who attempted to take off her knickers.
When she remonstrated
They replied, quite elated,
"Blame it all on spirituous liquors!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.05.2006, 14:22
Thanks for the link, Nef :D and limerick :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.05.2006, 14:24
Jose's favorite food was hot salsa
His girlfriend, Josefina, liked it alsa
Til one faithful day
When Jose ran away
After she poured hot salsa on his balsa
:shock: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.05.2006, 14:26
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.05.2006, 14:34
BIG BAD POO
(To the tune of Big Bad John)
:
Sunday morning, in the S-bend, you could see him arrive,
He was nine inches long and two inches wide,
Kind of broad in the center, narrow in the tip,
Bobbing in the bowl like a brown battleship,
Big Poo.
CHORUS
Big Poo...oo.
Big Bad Poo.
Big Poo...
He emerged from the bowels of Lady Jane,
With a fair bit of grunting' and a whole lot of pain.
He squeezed through her cheeks with fire and ash,
And into the bowl with one hell of a splash.
Big Poo.
CHORUS
Well, he started his life the day before,
As a nice, juicy beefsteak that was medium raw.
Alfalfa and vegetables hung him long,
And two hot cross buns made him awfully strong.
Big Poo.
CHORUS
Six glasses of wine lubricated his wake,
With some added propulsion from a chocolate cake,
And the big, lumpy midriff that bumped in the bowl,
Was the seed from a lichee she'd swallowed whole.
Big Poo.
CHORUS
It took fourteen flushes to send him away,
But the skid-marks he left clung on ten days.
This wasn't the end of his journey south,
He collected eight tampons and one dead mouse.
Big Poo.
CHORUS
This was Just the beginning of something' more,
There were curried prawns buried deep in his core,
They brewed that gas they run engines from,
And this floating log became an atom bomb!
Big Poo.
CHORUS
Well, he snuck through a valve at the treatment shed,
Where he lurked in the chemicals 'till they ate his head,
Then with a rush of gas and an almighty bang,
The whole plant went up, and the fat lady sang.
Big Poo.
CHORUS
Well, there wasn't a whole lot left of the site,
It was leveled to the ground by brown dynamite,
So they inscripted a plaque, and upon it was writ:
"At the bottom of this sewer, lies a big, mean shit...
...Big Poo."
CHORUS
RPT. CHORUS (fading...)
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 08.05.2006, 21:00
Titanic: Two The Surface
-> watch trailer here [->]
Since Hollywood, there's always a sequel ;)
The Simpsons
-> watch intro here [->]
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 08.05.2006, 22:53
Oh God, Michi - is that "Titanic" sequel for real???? :shock:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.05.2006, 10:57
Gina From Da Block wrote: Oh God, Michi - is that "Titanic" sequel for real???? :shock:
I was just wondering that too. :)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 09.05.2006, 11:48
su wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Oh God, Michi - is that "Titanic" sequel for real???? :shock:
I was just wondering that too. :)
I would like to know it too Michi. :?: Never heard about a Titanic sequel.
The Simpsons's one is great!! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.05.2006, 14:48
Oh yes, thanks for the Simpsons, Michi :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
simplymichi - 09.05.2006, 20:23
Gina From Da Block wrote: Oh God, Michi - is that "Titanic" sequel for real???? :shock:
Guess what! ...NO!! :lol: It looks so perfect, doesn't it? Could make a real good story :roll: :P
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 09.05.2006, 21:43
simplymichi wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Oh God, Michi - is that "Titanic" sequel for real???? :shock:
Guess what! ...NO!! :lol: It looks so perfect, doesn't it? Could make a real good story :roll: :P
Wow! It looked very real :D Thanks for clarifying, Michi.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 11.05.2006, 17:43
http://www.arcamax.com/cgi-bin/news/pic/12750/707669
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 11.05.2006, 20:40
Funny stuff, ladies!! :-D :-D
Vanilla Pudding
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight , their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who
expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 12.05.2006, 09:08
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.05.2006, 10:35
Hahaha :D LOL Girls :top :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 12.05.2006, 17:33
Nefertari wrote:
:D :wink:
LOL, Nef - I posted this joke already!! (see page 29 of this thread)
:D :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 12.05.2006, 18:32
Gina From Da Block wrote: Nefertari wrote:
:D :wink:
LOL, Nef - I posted this joke already!! (see page 29 of this thread)
:D :-D
page 29?? I don't see it Gina. Too see it better you have to double click on the pic. As you'll be able to read it easily.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 12.05.2006, 20:07
Nefertari wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Nefertari wrote:
:D :wink:
LOL, Nef - I posted this joke already!! (see page 29 of this thread)
:D :-D
page 29?? I don't see it Gina. Too see it better you have to double click on the pic. As you'll be able to read it easily.
Yes, it's on page 29 - towards the bottom of the page. I made it in LARGE print for you to see better - hahaha!
Yes, I double-clicked on it - it's funny!! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.05.2006, 11:51
There was a young man from the coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
This she-ectoplasm
Said, "I think I can feel it - almost.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.05.2006, 11:55
There once was a young man named Cyril
Who was had in a wood by a squirrel,
And he liked it so good
That he stayed in the wood
Just as long as the squirrel stayed virile.
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.05.2006, 12:00
"Big breaths," said the good Doctor Rung.
As his stethoscope tested her lung.
In all likelihood,
She misunderstood.
"Yeth, I've had them thince I was quite young."
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 13.05.2006, 18:03
:D :D Su, the last one is hilarious :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.05.2006, 22:54
Hehe glad you liked them Nef :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 13.05.2006, 23:59
Great limericks, Su!! :D :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 14.05.2006, 00:52
A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I walk towards the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book from the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Cola that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Cola aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Cola is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Cola, a vase of flowers on the work-top catches my eye....they need to be watered.
I put the Cola down on the work-top, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the work-top, fill the watering-can and suddenly I spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we want to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the vase, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote control back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the water.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car hasn't been washed,
the bills haven't been paid,
there is a warm can of Cola sitting on the work-top,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote control,
I can't find my glasses,
and I can't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why I didn't get anything done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 16.05.2006, 10:01
:D :D Lol Gina
:shock: it already happens to me sometimes :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 16.05.2006, 10:04
So the guy goes in to his barber. He's all excited, and says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope!"
The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people."
So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!"
"You met the Pope?" asked the barber.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Where did you get that crummy haircut?'"
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.05.2006, 10:39
:lol: Gina and Nef
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.05.2006, 10:42
There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.
:shock: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.05.2006, 10:44
There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.05.2006, 10:49
There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
and early each morning he played with his-----
banjo in the moonlight with the lady next door.
You could tell just by looking that she was a-----
fine country lady with a fine country lass
and when she rolled over you could see her fat----
legs in the moonlight she walked like a duck.
She promised the farmer a new way to----
raise a fine family the girls would all knit
and the boys would be outside shoveling----
corn cobs and cabbages and they did it quite well
and if you don't like my story you can just got to ---
bed.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 16.05.2006, 22:33
Nefertari wrote: :D :D Lol Gina
:shock: it already happens to me sometimes :wink:
Gee, and you're not even that old yet. What's gonna happen when you're 80??? hahaha! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 17.05.2006, 16:19Good Stuff!
Funny Jokes, Limericks, Cartoons & Videos su, nef, gina & michi!!! :lol:
Loved them all!!! :D
DIANAD :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 17.05.2006, 16:24Limerick from Dad
Here's a limerick from my Dad.
There once was a man from La Bass
Whose balls were made out of brass
He rubber them together
And they played Stormy Weather
Then lighting shot out of his ass.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 17.05.2006, 16:32Dirty Birds
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 17.05.2006, 20:15
Loved that limerick, D! Ask your dad for some more.....
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 18.05.2006, 16:49
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age
of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"
him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results
of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you a ll my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.05.2006, 18:58Funny Stuff!
Gina From Da Block wrote: Loved that limerick, D! Ask your dad for some more..... Glad you like it!!! And I have a really good one to post but I'm not exactly sure of all the words. I'll ask him tonight for that one and a few more.
Your joke is funny too!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.05.2006, 19:06Joke
What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
Tear gas! :shock:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 18.05.2006, 20:21Re: Funny Stuff!
DIANAD1 wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Loved that limerick, D! Ask your dad for some more..... Glad you like it!!! And I have a really good one to post but I'm not exactly sure of all the words. I'll ask him tonight for that one and a few more.
Oooh....I can't wait to see it :P
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.05.2006, 14:00
Hehe Love the jokes, girls :D :top
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 22.05.2006, 00:47
Enjoy, ladies (turn your speakers on):
http://nl.hallmark.be/ecards/nl_airhorn_nl.swf
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.05.2006, 17:09
Gina From Da Block wrote: Enjoy, ladies (turn your speakers on):
http://nl.hallmark.be/ecards/nl_airhorn_nl.swf
:D :lol: :D LOL Gina, that made me jump! :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 22.05.2006, 18:55Funny Fart Poem!!!
Gina From Da Block wrote: DIANAD1 wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Loved that limerick, D! Ask your dad for some more..... Glad you like it!!! And I have a really good one to post but I'm not exactly sure of all the words. I'll ask him tonight for that one and a few more.
Oooh....I can't wait to see it :P
Gina, your cartoon is funny!!! :D
As promised, here's some more funny stuff from my Dad!!! He love's bathroom humor!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.
Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.
A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.
So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 22.05.2006, 23:48
Oh, Diana, I LOVE that limerick!! It's hysterical :D
Su: sorry the cartoon scared you - it IS a little freaky!
Anyone who has ever been in a hospital or had a loved one in the
hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello, could you connect me to
the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out
if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name
and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
I'll connect you with the nursing station.
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is
doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she
continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's
wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a
close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."
Isn't she a smart lady??? I love her!!!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 23.05.2006, 16:11
LOL Girls :lol: (hey Gina, you didn't scare me) :wink:
:
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
:D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 23.05.2006, 21:08
Hahaha, loved your joke, Su!! :D :D
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect
from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can
wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell
you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station rest-room
because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding
dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at
your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle
your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You
know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he
or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three
pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost
never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your
face stays its original color. The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your big belly
usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair
of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear
shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do"
your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do
Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24
in 25 minutes."
No wonder men are happier!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Masha - 23.05.2006, 21:09
[quote="su"]LOL Girls :lol: (hey Gina, you didn't scare me) :wink:
you didscare ME gina
:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Masha - 23.05.2006, 21:10
[quote="Masha"][quote="su"]LOL Girls :lol: (hey Gina, you didn't scare me) :wink:
you didscare ME gina. it was a nasty idea fo smb to devise such a thing and think it`ll pass for fun
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 23.05.2006, 21:11
[quote="Masha"] su wrote: LOL Girls :lol: (hey Gina, you didn't scare me) :wink:
you didscare ME gina
:
Sorry..... :?
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Masha - 23.05.2006, 21:12
[quote="Gina From Da Block"] Masha wrote: su wrote: LOL Girls :lol: (hey Gina, you didn't scare me) :wink:
you didscare ME gina
:
Sorry..... :?
sss alright
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 25.05.2006, 00:39
42 Things in the Life of an Italian Child
01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every
day for an entire year after a funeral.
02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch
was pronounced "sangwich."
03. Your family dog understood Italian.
04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your
grandparents and extended family.
05. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50
square feet of yard during a family cookout.
06. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three
meals a day, not seven.
07. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami,
capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed
ceiling was absolutely normal. (Wow, that's really Italian!)
08. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every
Sunday, and laughed at the commercial for Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day.
09. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and
that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.
10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
11. You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.
12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.
13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.
14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.
15. You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.
16. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.
17. You ate your salad after the main course.
18. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
19. Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.
20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your hand.
21. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
22. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.
23. All of your uncles fought in a World War.
24. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or
Louie.
25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
26. You have relatives you don't speak to.
27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.
28. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the
Sopranos.
29. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of
dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.
30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on
plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.
31. You thought that talking loud was normal.
32. You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.
33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed
in their pockets by their relatives.
34. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no
matter what their age.
35. There was a crucifix in every room of the house.
36. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.
37. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father.
(Oh, and he had to be Italian)
38. You called pasta "Pasta ".
39. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school.
40. Going out for a cup of coffee usually meant going out for a cup of
coffee over Zia's house.
41. Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and accident was
attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something.
42. Those of you who g0t this...CIAO!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 30.05.2006, 00:24
Ladies, click on this & turn your speakers on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Masha - 30.05.2006, 04:56
Gina From Da Block wrote: Ladies, click on this & turn your speakers on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
THANKS!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 30.05.2006, 09:32
Gina From Da Block wrote: Ladies, click on this & turn your speakers on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
:D :D :D wow!! nice link Gina! Thanks for sharing
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 30.05.2006, 14:24Funny Stuff!
Thanks for the Funny Jokes Gina! :top
I love the Italian one! :-D
Being Italian, I can say some of it is true for me!!! :lol:
The dancing link is great too! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 30.05.2006, 15:07Jeeves, Take Off My Dress
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 30.05.2006, 16:07
Glad you liked that dancer, Masha, Nef & Diana! It's funny how dance has changed throughout the years :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 30.05.2006, 16:08Re: Funny Stuff!
DIANAD1 wrote: Thanks for the Funny Jokes Gina! :top
I love the Italian one! :-D
Being Italian, I can say some of it is true for me!!! :lol:
The dancing link is great too! :D
LOL, D!! I knew you'd relate to the Italian joke :wink:
Love your Jeeves joke!!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 30.05.2006, 17:37
Gina From Da Block wrote: Ladies, click on this & turn your speakers on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
Hehehe :D Ooooh that was sooooooo funny, Gina. :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 30.05.2006, 18:52
su wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Ladies, click on this & turn your speakers on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
Hehehe :D Ooooh that was sooooooo funny, Gina. :lol:
Thanks, Suzy-Q :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 01.06.2006, 17:24Joke
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart. :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 01.06.2006, 17:39
HAAAA!!! Love that one, Diana :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 01.06.2006, 22:36
heheheLOL :D :D Diana
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.06.2006, 11:50
:D Di
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
:shock: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 02.06.2006, 11:59
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 02.06.2006, 22:51
Funny jokes, Neffie-poo-chouchou :-D :D
FIVE REASONS WHY NEW YORK IS QUIET ON SUNDAYS
1. The Jews are all visiting relatives on Long Island.
2. The Italians are putting flowers on graves.
3. The Irish are all sleeping off hangovers.
4.. The Puerto Ricans can't get their cars started.
5.. The Poles think it is Tuesday
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.06.2006, 22:40
:lol: hahaha Neffie and Gina :D
:
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."
"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
:shock: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 05.06.2006, 00:04
Oh, Su!!! :shock:
:D
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?"
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 05.06.2006, 16:28Men will they ever listen???
LOL!!! Su, Nef & Gina :lol:
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet.
But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed
that it was occupied.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he
uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were
labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.
The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started
pressing the buttons one by one.
When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really
have it made.
Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle
breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.
This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the
last button marked ATR.
When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse.
"What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I
was in the new ladies' room on a plane."
"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a
great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 05.06.2006, 20:53
Oh, my God, Diana - that's HYSTERICAL!!!!!! :D :D :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.06.2006, 10:25
Hehehe Diana :D
:
What would you rather be, a light bulb or a bowling ball?
Depends on whether you'd rather be screwed or fingered.
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 08.06.2006, 10:28
What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?
A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house.
A wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.
:wink: :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 08.06.2006, 20:10
This is why clear communication is so important!
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy giggles and breaks into hysterics when its stomach is touched.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.
The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Human Resource Managers door. The Supervisor throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Human Resource Manager decides she should see this for herself so the two of them march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two watch in amazement as Lena cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Human Resource Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of uncontrollable hilarity she pulls herself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," she says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...........
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.06.2006, 17:08
Hahaaha Gina :D
:
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
:wink: :-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 12.06.2006, 17:14
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs.. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs.. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs.. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
:wink: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 12.06.2006, 20:46
LOL @ Su!!! :D :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 13.06.2006, 17:34Jokes
Funny jokes su & gina! :lol:
Two doctors are walking down a corridor in a hospital and one goes to the other, "Why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"
The other doctor replied, "Oh damn, I knew some asshole had my pencil!" :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 14.06.2006, 05:45
Loved that joke, Diana! :top
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off
America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action
does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed
by Dell customer service reps.
It's getting ugly.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.06.2006, 15:56
Hehehe LOL Diana and Gina :D :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 15.06.2006, 15:58
Q. Why did the Taliban school alternate Sex Education classes with Drivers Ed.?
A. They only had one camel.
:shock: :lol: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 15.06.2006, 17:46
su wrote: Q. Why did the Taliban school alternate Sex Education classes with Drivers Ed.?
A. They only had one camel.
:shock: :lol: :wink:
HAHAHA, Su!!! :D :shock: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 15.06.2006, 21:43
YOU GOTTA LOVE New York WOMEN!!
A woman from New York and another woman were
seated side-by-side on an airplane.
The woman from New York , being friendly and all,
said: So, where are you from?"
The other woman said, "From a place where they know
better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The woman from New York sat quietly for a moment
and then replied:
"So, where are you from, bitch? "
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.06.2006, 15:39
That's funny, Gina :D :D LOL
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.06.2006, 15:45
Now that American B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape, US intelligence has discovered that the Taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us.
These new names include:
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
10. Imma-Dedshmuck
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 16.06.2006, 17:17
Love your joke, Su! :-D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 19.06.2006, 16:47Laugh
Funny Gina & Su! :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 19.06.2006, 16:54The Accident
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.06.2006, 17:20
LOL Hahaha Diana :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.06.2006, 17:33
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.06.2006, 17:35
"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.06.2006, 17:38
Seamus do you understand French?
I do if its spoken in Irish
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.06.2006, 17:41
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 19.06.2006, 22:15
Hysterical, Su & Diana!! :D :D
LIFE CYCLE
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start
out dead and get it out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get
kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when
you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 Months
floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room
service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as
an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 21.06.2006, 21:02Jokes
Funny Joke Su & Gina! Love the Life Cycle one lots! :lol:
SMILES :D
DIANAD
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.06.2006, 19:21
Hahaaha LOL :D :D :D Diana and Gina :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.06.2006, 19:24
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 22.06.2006, 19:42
Good one, Su!! :D :D
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy,
good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's
suite at no extra charge!"
Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 22.06.2006, 20:28
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 22.06.2006, 20:30
:shock: :? :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.06.2006, 20:35
LOL :D Gina, :lol: :lol: Heheehe love the pictures, Neffie :lol: :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.06.2006, 20:37
Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: Go to moo-vies.
:roll: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.06.2006, 20:38
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 22.06.2006, 20:40
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the
gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
8) :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 23.06.2006, 16:28Funny
Funny jokes su & gina. :lol: Love the cartoons nef! :D
Flat chested
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
"Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling,
"Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?" :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 23.06.2006, 16:34Funny joke.....
Grab my breasts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An unhappy woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" ! She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!
LOL!!!!! :lol: :shock: :motz
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 24.06.2006, 03:07
Very funny jokes, Su & Diana! :D
Diana: please check your e-mail sometime this century, will ya....
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.06.2006, 11:29
Heheehe :D LOL Diana
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.06.2006, 11:36
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it down far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to sleep. The next time, it's your turn to get up and turn the thermostat down.
Wife: Yes, honey.
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 24.06.2006, 14:23
Hehehe, Su - you had me going there! :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 24.06.2006, 18:47
Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes
to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared.
The Lord asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez,
You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.
Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives,
so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies,
it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 26.06.2006, 17:38I've been busy with work...
Gina From Da Block wrote: Very funny jokes, Su & Diana! :D
Diana: please check your e-mail sometime this century, will ya....
Hey Gina,
I've been traveling a lot on business the past few weeks so I haven't had any time to check my personal e-mail. I will this week!!! Sorry for the delay in responding to you for any of the e-mails you have sent to me recently. It’s been a crazy month!!!! Some of the trips were planned for weeks but several were planned last minute. I'd be away at a training clients at one location and then the training coordinator at work would call me asking if I could go over to another location near by the one I was training at. What a pain! Since most of the places I went to were not very far away (about a 100-mile drive), I had to drive to the schools instead of flying. So that took more time. I’m really tired!!!
Well this week I was supposed to go to another school but I told them I have some personal things to take care of and they got another person to go. I just needed a breeak! Actually, at home, we had some electrical work done last week and now the house is a mess. The room I have my computer in had to have the celing light fixed (hasn’t worked for years), added celing fans in the kitchen and put in several new electrical outlets. So I had to move a lot of junk around the house so right now my computer is disconnected. I’ve got some cleaning up to do!!! Thank goodness next week is The 4th of July so nothing was scheduled for training! Don’t have to go out again till July 12th. So I’ll send you something this week. Once again sorry!!!!!
Ok sorry for getting off topic but I just wanted to let Gina know where I’ve been lately!!!
Back to the funny stuff!!!
DIANAD
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 27.06.2006, 00:20Re: I've been busy with work...
DIANAD1 wrote: Gina From Da Block wrote: Very funny jokes, Su & Diana! :D
Diana: please check your e-mail sometime this century, will ya....
Hey Gina,
I've been traveling a lot on business the past few weeks so I haven't had any time to check my personal e-mail. I will this week!!! Sorry for the delay in responding to you for any of the e-mails you have sent to me recently. It’s been a crazy month!!!! Some of the trips were planned for weeks but several were planned last minute. I'd be away at a training clients at one location and then the training coordinator at work would call me asking if I could go over to another location near by the one I was training at. What a pain! Since most of the places I went to were not very far away (about a 100-mile drive), I had to drive to the schools instead of flying. So that took more time. I’m really tired!!!
Well this week I was supposed to go to another school but I told them I have some personal things to take care of and they got another person to go. I just needed a breeak! Actually, at home, we had some electrical work done last week and now the house is a mess. The room I have my computer in had to have the celing light fixed (hasn’t worked for years), added celing fans in the kitchen and put in several new electrical outlets. So I had to move a lot of junk around the house so right now my computer is disconnected. I’ve got some cleaning up to do!!! Thank goodness next week is The 4th of July so nothing was scheduled for training! Don’t have to go out again till July 12th. So I’ll send you something this week. Once again sorry!!!!!
Ok sorry for getting off topic but I just wanted to let Gina know where I’ve been lately!!!
Back to the funny stuff!!!
DIANAD
Okay, D, no problem! Didn't realize you were away again. Sorry to hear your house is a crazed mess - hope everything clears up soon :)
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 29.06.2006, 21:12
ABOARD AN ENGLISH TRAIN
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window. "
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.07.2006, 22:40
Hahaaha :D Gina
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 03.07.2006, 22:42
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
:wink: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 04.07.2006, 06:27
LOL, that's a funny one, Su!! :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.07.2006, 17:40
TAE A FART
Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae s**t ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.07.2006, 17:43
There was a young gal from Montana
Who had an affair with a banana.
She hugged it and squeezed it,
Loved it and teased it, and said
It tastes better than a mana."
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 04.07.2006, 23:10
LMFAO!!! :D :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.07.2006, 14:54
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.07.2006, 14:55
Q. Did you hear about the new cereal called Prostituties?
A: It doesn't snap, crackle or pop...it just lies there and bangs.
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.07.2006, 14:57
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you pick up stuff with that little thing?
:shock: :D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 06.07.2006, 15:00
A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he replies.
:lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 10.07.2006, 01:52
Great jokes, Su!! :lol: :-D
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 13.07.2006, 11:11
:D :D Very good, Gina :clap :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.07.2006, 20:08
One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, " Once my people were many, now we are few.", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, "Once my people were few, now we are many.", the Cowboy replied , "Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 14.07.2006, 20:13
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but
Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following
children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have
sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 14.07.2006, 20:44
HAHAHA, Su!!! :D :lol:
Okay, this is a little mean, but I couldn't help laughing:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 16.07.2006, 22:42
heheehe :clap LOL I was crap at it, SLUGGISH SNAIL was what it said about
me. :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 17.07.2006, 00:33
su wrote: heheehe :clap LOL I was crap at it, SLUGGISH SNAIL was what it said about
me. :lol:
REALLY?? I'm surprised.....it's so easy :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.07.2006, 17:23game
Gina From Da Block wrote: HAHAHA, Su!!! :D :lol:
Okay, this is a little mean, but I couldn't help laughing:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
Fun game gina! I got up to Bobbing Bobcat!!! :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.07.2006, 17:33Meow Meow Joke
Funny stuff gina & su! :lol:
Once there was a woman who was deeply in love with a mysterious man.
Then one night she got him all alone in his office and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but the man didn't.
So the woman took off her top and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but he didn't.
So the woman look off her pants and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but the man didn't.
So the woman took of her bra and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but the man didn't.
So the woman took off her g-string and screamed meow meow look at me now!! One last time.
The man then turned around and yelled woof woof i'm a poof!
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Masha - 18.07.2006, 17:35
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
ambling armadillo
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.07.2006, 17:36Funny Joke!!!
A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis.
Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was.
So he ignored it and went to work.
While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised.
His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!"
He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that."
His friend replied, "You should get that looked at."
So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?"
The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 18.07.2006, 17:37Coconut Tree
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Lift up your nuts this is gonna be one hell of a blow job. :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 18.07.2006, 18:39
LOL, Diana! Love that last one :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 19.07.2006, 13:14
HahaahaLOLL Diana :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 20.07.2006, 10:45
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
:wink: :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 20.07.2006, 10:46
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A Dry Martinez!
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 20.07.2006, 10:49
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
:D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Gina From Da Block - 20.07.2006, 17:41
LOL, love it, Su!! :D :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 27.07.2006, 12:52
Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo
players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to
Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose
that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time-- Parole Order of
Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at
family barbecues
Middle C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food
stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba
Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair
off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the
mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's
toes" or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the
completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your
tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've
already used Betty Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to
catch, and when
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one
when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know
what to sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget
to clock in
First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile
home
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a
mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the
horses
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
DIANAD1 - 27.07.2006, 17:14Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
Good ones su! :lol:
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.08.2006, 19:25
:wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.08.2006, 19:34
OOPS!! :? :D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.08.2006, 19:46
:-D
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 03.08.2006, 20:40
Okay, okay Su! Calm down my dear. But I keep the others for other times :D :wink:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 04.08.2006, 15:50
Nefertari wrote: Okay, okay Su! Calm down my dear. But I keep the others for other times :D :wink:
LOLLLL :lol: :lol: :lol: Oooh I love it, Neffie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
Nefertari - 06.08.2006, 11:47
[quote="su]LOLLLL :lol: :lol: :lol: Oooh I love it, Neffie :lol: :lol: :lol:[/quote]
Re: ::JUST 4 FUN::
su - 09.08.2006, 10:21
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
* Do You Love As Good As You Look?
* Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
* How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
* Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
* I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
* I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your
* Welfare Line - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
* If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
* My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
* My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
:lol:
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