über StarWars & dessen Freaks (eng)

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  • Beteiligte Poster: Michael - Agent00nix
  • Forenbeschreibung: TRIADE DES NORDENS
  • aus dem Unterforum: FUN-AREA
  • Antworten: 2
  • Forum gestartet am: Dienstag 04.01.2005
  • Sprache: deutsch
  • Link zum Originaltopic: über StarWars & dessen Freaks (eng)
  • Letzte Antwort: vor 16 Jahren, 3 Monaten, 25 Tagen, 9 Stunden, 49 Minuten
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    Re: über StarWars & dessen Freaks (eng)

    Michael - 28.05.2005, 00:04

    über StarWars & dessen Freaks (eng)
    ich hab nen interessanten Grund gefunden warum man nicht in der ersten Woche nach Filmerrscheinen in einen StarWars-Film gehen sollte

    das ganze ist leider in Englisch und etwas lang aber trotzdem zum lachen ^^

    A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

    …oh, hell.

    It was really 1979, in the state of New Jersey and I was a huge Star Wars fanatic. The careless and rambunctious four-year old that I was, I recklessly played with the figurine toys that eventually became crippled miniature replications of my favorite characters. Lando Calrissian got off lucky - he was just missing his cape. However, C3P0's gold had worn into a sickly yellow hue; Darth Vader was missing an arm, his light saber, and his head; poor Princess Leia, whose legs and arms all broke off, was little more than a helpless plastic stump. Several years later, when Return of the Jedi was released, I, like every other prepubescent boy my age, could not figure out why I was staring at the Princess in a gold bikini. My parents even bought the books based on movies so I could read them to my heart's content. Yet like many American boys during the 1980s my obsession with Star Wars eventually waned, namely because I had replaced it with the Transformers.

    Twenty-six years later, I still dig Star Wars, but not to the level of obsession that many of us still have with this series of movies. To this very day, one of my high school buddies, Tony a.k.a. Egghead, still commits himself to fighting against the forces of the Dark Side. At the age of 33, not only does Egghead still competitively vie for children's candy dressed as Luke Skywalker every Halloween, but still actively plays with his Star Wars figures at his parent's house. Then again, perhaps I shouldn't necessarily peg him as a stereotypical Star Wars geek - after all, this is the same man that sidled up to a drinking bar and ordered chocolate milk.

    During a recent phone conversation with one of my best friends, I was informed that Tony and his girlfriend recently went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, cleverly dressed as Han Solo and Princess Leia. I became suddenly reminded the reason for which I avoided watching any Star Wars prequel during the first week of release:

    The freaks. - that's right, the freaks. Don't pretend you don't know who I'm talking about because you know who you are! I'm a geek myself, but Star War fanatics take geekhood to new and unprecedented levels. Though I look forward to each movie, I typically will allow a one-month waiting period before attending any release, and this 'finale' is no exception. Otherwise, I would likely wind up in a scenario eerily similar to the one outlined as follows:

    (my friends and I arrive at the latest Star Wars movie premiere on Friday evening.)

    Me: (in awe at the queues) Wow. Look at all of these long lines.
    Sarah: (paranoid) We're surrounded by a bunch of freaks.
    John: I feel like I'm stuck in the Wizard of Oz.
    Me: We're definitely not in Kansas anymore.
    Brian: It's like Halloween in May! (noticing a woman scantily clad in gold bikini, he removes his shades, walking in her direction) Eyyyy yo babygirl, how you doin?
    John: (pointing towards the endlessly growing line) Hey…is that Egghead? That fucker is dressed like Han Solo. (shouts) HEY EGGHEAD!

    (the group walks towards Tony and his girlfriend, with the exception of Brian, who has now focused his attention on two Princess Leias)

    Me: (jaw slightly agape) Good grief, how'd his girl get her hair like that?
    Natalie: (twirling her pink-dyed hair) That must've taken hours.
    Egghead: (surprised to see us) What is yous guys doin' here?
    John: How long have you been waiting here, Tone?
    Egghead: We've been waiting on line for four days!
    Egghead's girlfriend: (proudly beaming) Haven't even taken a shower!

    (Natalie's face scrunches up)

    Me: Yuck.
    Egghead: When'd you guys get here?
    John: Just pulled up a few minutes ago.
    Egghead: (wide-eyed incredulous look) Just got here? How are you going to see the movie on opening night without standing in line for at least a couple of days?
    Natalie: We reserved our tickets on the 'net, and now we're just going to pick them up at that electronic kiosk over there. (pointing to an ATM-like machine)

    (awkward silence prevails as Tony and his girlfriend stare blankly at the movie kiosk)

    John: (smacks Egghead on the back) Weeeeeeeeellllllllll, Tony, we're going to go now. Was great seeing you. Later Jen.
    Me: (quietly salutes Tony and Jen) Uh…yeah. Gonna get our tickets.
    (silent muttering from the Chewbacca behind Egghead, 'Those heathens. RRRRRRRRRAWWWWRRRRRRRRG.')

    Sarah: (walking away) What dorks.
    John: I think we're the only ones not dressed up in a costume.
    Natalie: (searching) Where'd Brian go?

    (we notice Brian in our peripheral vision, now circled by seven different Princess Leias and two Queen Amidalas.)


    (Brian jogs over with assorted bits of torn paper and notes in his hands)

    Me: What the fuck, dude?
    Brian: (wide grin) Look at all of these phone numbers! I'm telling you, Sterl, these white chicks are feeling the dark side of the Force! I told them I was Billy Dee Williams's third cousin's uncle!! They see a brotha like me and they go crazy!
    Me: (blinks) You serious? Dude, you look nothing like him. You're bald, short, and light-skinned.
    Brian: (haphazardly removing assorted notes from his jeans) Wanna couple of numbers?
    Me: (smacks my forehead) I…think I'll pass.
    John: (hovering over Brian's shoulder) Hey, I'll take some of those, hook me up.

    (there's a shorter line for the electronic kiosk. While waiting, Sarah and Natalie notice full-scale replicas of R2D2 and C3P0 behind us.)

    John: (turns) Holy shit.
    Natalie: Aw, it's R2D2, he's so cute!
    Sarah: (leaning over) It looks so real, even the lights are flashing (pokes it)
    R2D2: (growls)
    Me: What the hell?

    (Sarah pokes at the robot again)

    R2D2: (growls) Woooof! Arf arf arf arf arf!
    John: (laughing) R2D2 is barking.

    (C3PO, with obvious discomfort kicks R2D2)

    C3P0: Eh, sorry about that, my little friend and I…
    John: You got a dog in there?
    Natalie: Aw, is there a puppy in there? How could you do that?

    (Sarah discovers a latching mechanism, popping up the head of R2D2 like a convertible, revealing a chihuahua)

    Me: That is fucking amazing. How'd you get the dog in the suit?
    Sarah: (removes her Swiss army pocketknife and begins to closely evaluate R2) This machinery is incredible, look - it even has door hatches for extra mechanical arms.
    C3PO: (gesturing towards Sarah) You like it? Took me five years to build in my mother's basement.
    Natalie: (visibly upset) Poor lil' thing, that is cruelty to animals, you should be ashamed of yourself! (punches C3P0 in the breastplate) Ow!
    Me: (tapping C3P0's suit, chortling) It's real metal.
    C3P0: (pleased) You like that?
    John: I wanna know where he got the time to make that.
    Brian: (at the front of the electronic kiosk, waving five tickets in his hand) Got 'em, let's go!
    Me: (turns) Oh my God…Sarah?
    Sarah: (looking up) Oops.

    (the rest of the group turns towards Sarah. During our brief conversation with C3P0, she has quickly and scientifically disassembled half of R2's metallic body into random parts strewn on the floor)

    Sarah: I just wanted to see how this contraption worked. (scanning the assorted pieces) You know, I bet I could use some of these parts for my car.
    C3PO: (holding his head) R2D2! I spent half a decade building this robot and it took a few minutes for you to take it apart!
    Sarah: I was just curious! Sorry.
    C3PO: Sorry? SORRY! Sorry doesn't cut it! You'll pay for this, I…I…I oughta…(upset and barely able to control his arm and leg movement, the man only known as C3P0 collapses with a resounding metallic crash)

    (gasps overtake the surrounding moviegoers with the exception of John's cackles)

    Me: (whispering towards Sarah) Um. Maybe we should go now.
    Sarah: Good idea. Let's get some snacks, I'm hungry. (tosses the pocketknife set towards C3P0). Sorry about your little robot, hope you can put it back together.
    C3PO: (groaning) It - hurts…
    Natalie: (making kissing sounds towards the chihuahua, patting her knee) C'mon R2. C'mon!
    R2D2: (happily) Arf!

    (The puppy hops from its robotic shell and leaps into Natalie's arms)

    Natalie: Awww…nobody's going to hurt you now, R2D2.

    (Natalie bats her eyes at pimple-faced 19-year old at the ticket counter)

    Natalie: Like, you know, we want to see the movie and bring R2 with us, he'll keep quiet, won't you R2? (nuzzling her nose against the chihuahua's)
    John: I just can't believe this shit.

    (We all head towards the food and snack bar. I find myself standing next to someone dressed as Luke Skywalker. Unable to resist myself, I do my best James Earl Jones impersonation.)

    Me: Luke. Who's yo daddy?!"

    (in one smooth motion, Luke automatically unsheathes a light saber and poses in a guarded stance)

    Luke: You can't be my father! That's impossible!
    Brian: (gesturing towards Luke and I) Stupid.
    Me: (solemn) Luke. I am your father. You do not yet realize your importance to me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. Come with me, Luke. (I dig into my pocket and whip out my cell phone) Come join Verizon Wireless.
    Luke: (taken aback) What?
    Me: (still in James Earl Jones voice) Search your feeeeeelings Luke. With the Family Share Plan™ for only $59.99 we can add up to three lines for just $9.99. It comes with unlimited night and weekends with a one or two year customer agreement. Get IN on the nation's largest home calling coverage area, without roaming. We can add Princess Leia whom you seem to have a weird brother-sister thing going on with, Han Solo, and even that hairy wookie. Join Verizon, Luke. After all, we never stop working for you.®
    Luke: (ponders for a moment, then suddenly evokes a belly laugh) I liked that imitation, did you know James Earl Jones was the voice for CNN too? So who's your favorite Star Wars character?
    Me: Worf. You know, that Klingon?

    (Luke immediately stops laughing and strikes me with his light saber)

    Me: Ow! (wincing, clutching at my shoulder) What the fuck? That thing is operational? How did you get a working light saber? I can't feel my arm! Oh you motherfu-

    (R2D2 starts barking at Luke and Natalie quickly quiets the puppy 'shhhhhh…')

    Sarah: (tugging at my other arm) We got our popcorn and pop, let's get out of here before you get us all killed, Sterling.
    Me: (walking away begrudgingly, raising a fist with my functional arm) I'll get you, you fucking Padouin!
    Brian: (walking up towards Luke) Luke, my nigga, that is tight. How much you willing to give up the light saber for? (digging into his pockets) Hey, you want Princess Leia's phone number?
    Luke: (obviously pleased as punch, looking through Brian's assorted scraps of paper) Which Leia? Yeah, made this one myself during my mid-life crisis and was still living with Mom and Dad…

    (The entire group, minus Brian walk into the dimly movie theater - the entire seating assembly is practically full)

    John: (guffaws) Sterl, you okay, man?
    Me: (holding my shoulder) Shut up.
    Natalie: I think your shirt is ruined.
    John: (scans the room) Find any open seats?
    Sarah: (pointing) It looks like there are some open seats next to the clan of imperial stormtroopers.

    (R2D2 hops out of Natalie's arms, leaps into the aisle and proceeds humping the helmet of one of the stormtroopers)

    Natalie R2, stop that! Stop humping that man!
    John: I guess those would be our seats.

    (The group filters along the aisle, occupying four empty seats, reserving one for Brian. Everyone settles down to get comfortable, sharing snacks and drinks. During the advertisements preceding the movie previews, there is a 'Movie Still' of Natalie Portman from Star Wars: Episode II. Behind us we hear someone muttering, 'Umm….ooh yeah, Natalie Portman…(squeak squeak squeak) my queen…(squeak squeak squeak)')

    Me: (visibly annoyed) What's that sound?
    John: (pressing around the back of his head) Feels like something is jabbing the back of my skull.
    Sarah: (turning slightly, startled) John, there's a red light saber poking the back of your head.
    Me: (turning around as well) Oh my God, that guy in the Darth Vader outfit is stroking his light saber.
    Natalie: (joins the group to turn around) Is it supposed to glow that red?
    Darth Vader: Oh yeah…Natalie…(squeak squeak) convert to the Dark Side…with me..(squeak squeak) Ohhh…mmm…yeah…

    (Vader's light saber pokes John in the ear, causing John to leap out of his seat)

    John: (gesturing towards Darth Vader, freaked out) What the fuck? You think you can just stroke yourself in the middle of the movie theater like that? You poked my ear with that thing, man! Why don't you leave that shit at home you sick fu- God, I feel so violated!

    (John stumbles down the aisle and stalks out in rage)

    Me: (getting up) I don't think I can take this anymore either.
    Sarah: (getting up) Well I'm not sticking around if you are all leaving.
    Natalie: (gets up as well) Wait for me guys! Hey is Brian still trying to buy that sword from that guy? R2? (looking around making whistling sounds) R2?

    (R2D2 is perched precariously on a movie seat licking up and down Darth Vader's glowing red light saber)

    Me: I think I just threw up in my mouth.

    (R2 hears Natalie, cheerfully barks, then hops from the aisle and follows us out of the theater.)

    Re: über StarWars & dessen Freaks (eng)

    Agent00nix - 28.05.2005, 12:53


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