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Qualität des Beitrags: Beteiligte Poster: JabezP Forum: Die DSA-Chaoten Forenbeschreibung: ...Hilfe, wir haben ein Forum! aus dem Unterforum: Perzinazakas Antworten: 3 Forum gestartet am: Sonntag 29.06.2008 Sprache: deutsch Link zum Originaltopic: If starships were created by Microsoft... Letzte Antwort: vor 14 Jahren, 7 Monaten, 8 Tagen, 12 Stunden, 14 Minuten
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Re: If starships were created by Microsoft...
JabezP - 16.09.2009, 20:34If starships were created by Microsoft...
(Von http://www.ex-astris-scientia.org )
This is what Starfleet ships developed by Microsoft would be like:
1. For no reason whatsoever your warp core would be dropped twice a day.
2. Every time they changed the main interstellar flight routes you would have to get a new ship.
3. Occasionally your starship would die in outer space for no reason, and you would just accept this, reinitialize the engines and warp on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your engines to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the warp core.
5. Only one person could work on the ship at a time, unless you bought "Starship98" or "StarshipNT". But, then you would have to buy more bridge modules.
6. Macintosh would make a starship that was powered by a stable Omega molecule, had quantum slipstream drive, was reliable and twice as easy to fly, but would only run between Earth and Vulcan.
7. The antimatter containment, structural integrity and shield failure messages would be replaced by a single "general starship failure" warning.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt (poor Scotty!).
9. The deflector shields would ask "Are you sure?" before going up.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your ship would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Well, how this can be accomplished on a starship remains unanswered...
11. Utopia Planitia would require all starship buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Mark IV tricorders, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the ship's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Utopia Planitia would become a target for investigation by the Federation Council.
12. Every time Utopia Planitia introduced a new class, ship personnel would have to learn how to operate it all over again because none of the controls would work in the same manner as on the old ship.
13. You'd have to say "engage" to shut down the engines.
Re: If starships were created by Microsoft...
JabezP - 16.09.2009, 20:36
Top ten fun things to do aboard a Borg cube
10. Return the drones' favor and blind them with a laser pointer.
9. Make a shuttle race around the central core.
8. Replay Janeway’s words "That’s how I prefer the Borg. In pieces." every hour.
7. Occasionally create false sensor readings of Species 8472.
6. Record "We are the Borg", "You will be assimilated" and "Resistance is futile" and make it into a hip-hop song.
5. Let them assimilate a Windows PC.
4. As soon as a Borg enters the alcove for regeneration, play "Silent Night".
3. Put 100W light bulbs into the lamp shades of the alcoves.
2. Program all nanoprobes to create collective diarrhea.
1. Fill the tubes to a Borg’s mouth with helium and let him say "Resistance is futile".
Top ten fun things to do aboard a Klingon Bird-of-Prey
10. Turn the cargo bay into an aquarium.
9. Take a dentist with you who may earn a fortune.
8. Embarrass the captain by asking how long his ship actually is.
7. Call the decorator who designed the Galaxy-class bridge to make some improvements.
6. Ask the older crew members when they had their forehead surgery.
5. Occasionally play Tribble squeaks from your tricorder.
4. Fry the gagh and serve it with ketchup.
3. Secretly uninstall the cloaking device and use it to hide your comfortable mattress.
2. Move the wings up and down until they break off.
1. Pour a few cans of strawberries into the bloodwine.
Top ten fun things to do aboard a Vulcan ship by Tenniru
10. Keep scanners trained for bald geniuses traveling at the speed of light.
9. Let Porthos into the captain's quarters.
8. Replace the Surak statue's lower robe with a toilet.
7. When Sarek comes aboard, ask "Aren't you that Romulan captain?"
6. Ask them when the next trip to the 1900s will be.
5. Whenever a crewman corrects your logic, accuse them of being emotional.
4. Leave a whoopee cushion on the captain's chair.
3. Show a picture of an egg on the viewer, and say "This is your brain." Then show a picture of a zombie and say "This is your brain on Trellium-D."
2. Steal the tractor beam.
1. Show clips of T'Pol saying that time travel is impossible, and then point and laugh.
Top ten fun things to do aboard a Romulan Warbird by William Kappler
10. Buy gold pips to replace your silver ones.
9. Swap the cloaking device with a photon torpedo.
8. Translate the computer core into Klingon.
7. Toss things into the quantum singularity to see if it will fill up.
6. Turn the navigation computer upside-down so that the ship enters Federation space.
5. Drink all the Romulan ale and replace it with Mountain Dew.
4. Set the main transponder to send out the ship's position when cloaked.
3. Call the Ferengi and tell them that you will pay 4,000 bars of Latinum to the first one that can make the commander smile.
2. Tell the crew that the praetor coming to visit them.
1. Sing Klingon opera over the main comm system for 8 hours.
Re: If starships were created by Microsoft...
JabezP - 19.09.2009, 14:58If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek
(Von http://www.startrekkie.com/jokes/seuss.html )
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast, but still the trip will last and last. We'll have two days til we arrive, but can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't. The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me!
Worf: Not me!
Picard: Computer, how long until we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make, Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet!
Data: Which by the way is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand, we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, Please make it so!
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires, and that's what started all the fires!
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go!
Troi: We must seek out this traitor spy, and lock him up and ask him why.
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say we give him problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! We must attempt, we must try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: But they may be dead by tomorrow noon!
Commercial Break, Commercial Break! How Long Will These Dumb Ads Take?
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig! He's very strong and very big! I had my phaser set on stun -- A zip! A zap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall. He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw, quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end.
Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly, and orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!
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