RCW

[Grizz]

put all your funny jokes in here, ill start it off



Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''

Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''

''Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''

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[Grizz]

First taste of sex


Iwan man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.

The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"

[gazton91]

stupid jokes are always funny !

[Grizz]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick is bigger than your brother's".

[Muff Potter]

Muhahahahahahahahaah

u gays r so funny

[MrGold(UK)]

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one says to the other; "does this taste funny to you?"

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is
amazed that the dog is playing poker.
"Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.
"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.
"Well is he any good?" the guy asks. "Na, every time he has a good
hand he wags his tail."

....and finally here's an old one from AUSTIN
Q "what's the fastest thing on dry land?"
A "Stevie Wonder's speedboat"

[MrGold(UK)]

Oh, you want more.....

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let her cook in the dark.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
For drinking on the job.

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball a G-spot.
A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.


I thank you.....

[Grizz]

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said......BAD DOG!"

[Grizz]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[Grizz]

So there's two blokes working on a building site and they break for lunch. One gets his sandwiches out and says, "if the missus gives me ham again tomorrow I'm going to throw myself off the building." The next, an Irishman, says, "if I get beef again, I'll do the same".

Next day the first guy opens his lunch, sees ham and throws himself off the building. On seeing that he has beef again, the Irish guy also throws himself off the building.

At the funeral, the first guys wife declared, "If I'd known how fed up he was of ham, I would have changed it" to which the Irishman's wife replied, "Don't blame me, he made his own lunch".

[Grizz]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

[MrGold(UK)]

Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''

[MrGold(UK)]

George W. Bush Quotes

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush.

"I think we can agree. The past is over."

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then." (A slip on exhillerating)

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Will highways on the internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don't realize just how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of him.

"I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change."

"One word sums up properly the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the poles."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."

"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only proffession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the impurities in the air and water that's doing it."

"It's time the human race entered the solar system."