333 things I'm not allow to do at Hogwarts

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    Re: 333 things I'm not allow to do at Hogwarts

    alexia - 02.09.2007, 22:32

    333 things I'm not allow to do at Hogwarts
    1. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
    2. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
    3. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".
    4. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
    5. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
    6. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
    7. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall
    8. Or anywhere else for that matter.
    9. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.
    10. . I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
    11. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.
    12. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
    13. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
    14. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
    15. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
    16. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.
    17. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
    18. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout “Long live Lord Voldemort” because I think its funny.
    19. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
    20. . I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
    21. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.
    22. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.
    23. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
    24. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
    25. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.
    26. . It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
    27. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
    28. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
    29. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.
    30. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
    31. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
    32. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.
    33. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
    34. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
    35. -I am not a Professor, at all.
    36. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
    37. -I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
    38. -It was not an honest mistake.
    39. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.
    40. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
    41. . Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.
    42. -Charming the label does not change anything.
    43. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.
    44. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.
    45. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.
    46. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
    47. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
    48. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
    49. Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.
    50. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
    51. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
    52. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
    53. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."
    54. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
    55. 124. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
    56. There is no bring a muggle to school day.
    57. And I should stop insisting there is.
    58. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.
    59. I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."
    60. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"
    61. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.
    62. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera.
    63. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.
    64. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
    65. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.
    66. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
    67. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
    68. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
    69. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
    70. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
    71. Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.
    72. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".
    73. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.
    74. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
    75. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
    76. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.
    77. -Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.
    78. I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.
    79. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
    80. I will not tie the Death Eaters robes pink.
    81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
    82. Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.
    83. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.
    84. I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again.
    85. I may not have a private army.
    86. -Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.
    87. I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.
    88. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
    89. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
    90. Portable Swamps are not funny.
    91. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.
    92. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.
    93. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.
    94. Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.
    95. Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.
    96. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.
    97. I am not the wicked witch of the west.
    98. -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
    99. I will not melt if water is poured over me.
    100. -Neither will Professor Umbridge.
    101. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.
    102. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.
    103. -That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.
    104. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.
    105. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
    106. No part of the school uniform is edible.
    107. -Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.
    108. Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".
    109. Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.
    110. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum".
    111. -Nor Professor Snape.
    112. Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
    113. -Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.
    114. -Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.
    115. Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.
    116. Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.
    117. -Especially not if I actually have them.
    118. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.
    119. Will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.
    120. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
    121. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.
    122. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.
    123. -Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.
    124. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.
    125. I may not challenge prefects to Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.
    126. I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.
    127. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
    128. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.
    129. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.
    130. -Even if my prefect did it.
    131. I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.
    132. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.
    133. When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.
    134. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.
    135. I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl.
    136. - Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through.
    137. - The same goes for Hermione.
    138. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position.
    139. I will not use invisibility charms on anyone’s clothing.
    140. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
    141. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
    142. I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
    143. - Especially not all of them at once.
    144. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.
    145. - Likewise the satellite dish.
    146. The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin boys if they've mastered it yet.
    147. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
    148. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.
    149. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.
    150. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.
    151. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.
    152. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
    153. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.
    154. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'
    155. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.
    156. - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
    157. -Especially not with kazoos.
    158. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
    159. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
    160. Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
    161. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... GOT... THE... POWER!'
    162. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.
    163. -I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.
    164. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile, Robin!'
    165. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.
    166. I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.
    167. -Or Wicca.
    168. -This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.
    169. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.
    170. -Or the referee.
    171. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.
    172. I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.
    173. -I will not give people Veritaserum.
    174. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
    175. -Neither is Professor Snape.
    176. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
    177. The house elves are not there to do my homework.
    178. -Neither are the ghosts.
    179. I am not a magical creature.
    180. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.
    181. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.
    182. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.
    183. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.
    184. -Or under his robe.
    185. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
    186. Grindewald is not my role model.
    187. -Neither is Voldemort.
    188. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
    189. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.
    190. -Including my own.
    191. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class
    192. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.
    193. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
    194. I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.
    195. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.
    196. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
    197. -Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.
    198. -Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".
    199. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
    200. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
    201. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
    202. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.
    203. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.
    204. I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.
    205. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
    206. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
    207. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
    208. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
    209. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
    210. I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.
    211. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.
    212. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
    213. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.
    214. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.
    215. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.
    216. -Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile
    217. I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.
    218. Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended
    219. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.
    220. I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.
    221. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.
    222. Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.
    223. I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.
    224. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call Ni from various directions.
    225. Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.
    226. -Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.
    227. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.
    228. -Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.
    229. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
    230. I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
    231. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.
    232. -So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.
    233. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.
    234. Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
    235. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.
    236. Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible.
    237. Robes are not optional.
    238. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
    239. Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.
    240. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.
    241. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.
    242. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.
    243. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.
    244. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.
    245. -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.
    246. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.
    247. -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."
    248. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.
    249. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.
    250. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.
    251. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.
    252. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.
    253. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.
    254. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.
    255. -Neither is Dracula.
    256. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.
    257. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.
    258. Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.
    259. -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.
    260. -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.
    261. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.
    262. -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
    263. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
    264. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
    265. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.
    266. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"
    267. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.
    268. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".
    269. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.
    270. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
    271. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.
    272. - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
    273. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
    274. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
    275. - I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
    276. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.
    277. -Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.
    278. -Especially if he's wearing it.
    279. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.
    280. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.
    281. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".
    282. -Even if that is an accurate description.
    283. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
    284. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
    285. I am not allowed to spank others.
    286. -Even if Malfoy liked it.
    287. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.
    288. -This goes double for superglue.
    289. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.
    290. -Or on the grounds.
    291. -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.
    292. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.
    293. -While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.
    294. -Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe.
    295. Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.
    296. - Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.
    297. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.
    298. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.
    299. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
    300. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
    301. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
    302. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.
    303. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.
    304. - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.
    305. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".
    306. -The same goes double for Voldemort.
    307. -Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta.
    308. -Especially to their faces.
    309. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.
    310. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'
    311. -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'
    312. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.
    313. -Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.
    314. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.
    315. -Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.
    316. -Or 'I'm too sexy'.
    317. I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
    318. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.
    319. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"
    320. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.
    321. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.
    322. -Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.
    323. -Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.
    324. Voldemort is not my homeboy.
    325. Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.
    326. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.
    327. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting.
    328. -Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.
    329. -Or Harry and Draco.
    330. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches
    331. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.
    332. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
    333. It is exceptionally tasteless to serenade Professor Lupin with "Moon River".



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