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Qualität des Beitrags: Beteiligte Poster: JabezP Forum: Die DSA-Chaoten Forenbeschreibung: ...Hilfe, wir haben ein Forum! aus dem Unterforum: Charaktere Antworten: 1 Forum gestartet am: Sonntag 29.06.2008 Sprache: deutsch Link zum Originaltopic: Beacon of Nocturne Letzte Antwort: vor 10 Jahren, 5 Monaten, 8 Tagen, 22 Stunden, 47 Minuten
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Re: Beacon of Nocturne
JabezP - 05.12.2013, 21:17Beacon of Nocturne
Ich habe keine Ahnung, warum ich auf Englisch geschrieben habe, und vermutlich enthält es einen Haufen Fehler... und überhaupt ist es eher ein "stream of consciousness" nach einer durchwachten Nacht... aber ich mußte über meinen Apothecarius nachdenken und das kam dabei heraus. Wie gesagt, es macht vermutlich nicht viel Sinn. Äh, ja *fuchtel*
I've always asked too many questions.
Since I fathomed the principle of cause and effect, and since I learned this innocent-sounding and yet dangerous word called "why", I've wanted to understand. It didn't suffice to tell me that things were "just the way they are" and that I should accept it and move on. I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I wanted to know how things worked. I wanted to know why people did something. How one circumstance influenced another one, and what would happen if it changed.
As I said, "why" is a very dangerous word.
I've been treading this fine line all my life, trying to satiate my curiosity while constantly reminding myself that some things must be accepted, even if you don't fully grasp them. It was hard to learn. To this day I still remember what my former mentor told me: "You have to tame the fire in your heart", he said, "and shape it, bend it to your will, or it will consume you."
Oh, but it still burns. And every now and then, I kindle it.
I believe that in a way, it has either kept me sane or turned into my own special brand of craziness. Apothecaries tend to become weird, you know? Bitter. Cynical. It's no surprise, is it? More than anyone else, we are constantly reminded of the frailness of life. Another Brother falls, another signal turns red, and then you harvest, you become the reaper. You notice the heaviness of your harvest when it weighs down your arm after a long battle, and then you realize that you alone carry your Brothers' legacy. It can break even the strongest mind.
Sometimes I think I'm already broken beyond repair, and I just haven't noticed it yet.
I remember all of them. Astartes memory is pretty amazing, and mine has always been exceptional, even when I still was a mere Neophyte. I recall everyone who died, everyone I couldn't save, everyone whose gene seed I carried home. I see their faces before me, I hear their voices, remember their movements, their little quirks. The way they held their bolter. The sound of their laughter. Their acceptance of their fate - or their fight against it, until the last moment.
Some might say it is a curse. I think it's both a burden and a gift. In a way, the memories comfort me. As long as I remember them, my fallen Brothers are living on. And sometimes I meet their heirs, those who carry their gene seed, and I notice a gesture, a habit, an inflection I recognize. In those moments I feel a strange surge of pride. Maybe that's what it would feel like to still be human, to have the family I never had and never will have. The surprise and joy to recognize a loved one long gone in a member of the newest generation.
It makes the fire in my heart burn a bit brighter every time.
And every time a Brother asks me how I made it through four hundred years (approximately, I've stopped counting) without going insane, I just smile and shrug and thank the Emperor and our beloved Primarch for my curse-turned-gift. I don't know if I could ever really explain what it feels like. But I know that it's my own inner Astronomican that guides me home through space and Warp and darkness. My beacon of Nocturne during the Time of Trials. My inner fire that keeps me going.
The one thing I've stopped questioning.
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